3 words....
1. Defeated. I don't even know how to go into detail about this one. I literally feel defeated, and I dont care. (rather im trying not to) Nothing I do or say will make anything better. Its like im being kicked when im already on the ground, you just gave up and letting it come at you one after another.
2. Drained. I cannot take one more bad thing right now. The amount I cried this past week I havent cried in years...Yet one thing after another is coming at me, Im trying to dodge bullets but keep missing. It's like I can't have a breather. One thing doesnt even end before something else happens.
3. Stuck. I dont know if that is the right word or not...im actaully really pissed off (at my sister and dad) and since I dont do anger im keeping it in rather than getting through it. Also stuck because nothing is happening, still not home, still not in school. Everything that is suppose to happen for me to get there is like frozen, put on hold.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Inspirational Journal Week 29
Things I have done that I can now laugh about.
I remember when I was younger, maybe 7 I went out to the park with my dad and sister. There was this concrete hill. That I kept sliding down on. My dad yelled at me to stop because I would get hurt (yeah who would think he cares about me getting hurt right? haha) well the stubborn little girl I was, I didn't. I don't know how many times I would slide down it but I do remember leaving the park with my shorts ripped and the red scratches on butt peeking through....
Another time, my sister was babysitting me. She was maybe 10. Well she wasn't paying attention and I cut my bangs...it didn't look to good haha.
Then when I was maybe 13ish. My sister was harrassing me for about a month telling me to say "She won't" with her fist up in the air. I kept saying no. Leave me alone, but I finally got tired of it and said "Fine you won't" Well she did....She punched me right in the face and gave me a black eye. And she didn't get in trouble because I told her she could...
One time I wanted to run away...but I wanted to know that they cared. So I waited for my mom to get home to tell her that I was leaving. I had my little suitcase packed, my mom told me no that I needed to stay home and opened my suitcase to not find clothes but to find all of my toys haha I was like 6-7
Two years ago I was in a treatment center. Laureate, which is in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I have never been to OK before, nor do I know anyone who lives there (well now I do because of the center was local for a lot of girls there) Well one night, I was taking my allowed 15 min walk...The girl who was with me (always needed someone with you) was on the phone. So I ran for it. I had no idea where I was going or what I would do. I just knew I didn't want to be in treatment anymore. I went through the woods there and somehow lost a shoe and tore my pants pretty bad. The center kept calling me. But I refused to answer. Then I picked up when the girl I was walking with called me. She was my buddy...I picked up crying saying I dont know why I did it but I was done. She said she knew but there are other ways to leave treatment. haha after about 6 hours and a hour long phone call I described where I was and they found me and brought me back.
I have done a lot of stupid things, especially when it comes to my ed and it's just like "why?" haha
I remember when I was younger, maybe 7 I went out to the park with my dad and sister. There was this concrete hill. That I kept sliding down on. My dad yelled at me to stop because I would get hurt (yeah who would think he cares about me getting hurt right? haha) well the stubborn little girl I was, I didn't. I don't know how many times I would slide down it but I do remember leaving the park with my shorts ripped and the red scratches on butt peeking through....
Another time, my sister was babysitting me. She was maybe 10. Well she wasn't paying attention and I cut my bangs...it didn't look to good haha.
Then when I was maybe 13ish. My sister was harrassing me for about a month telling me to say "She won't" with her fist up in the air. I kept saying no. Leave me alone, but I finally got tired of it and said "Fine you won't" Well she did....She punched me right in the face and gave me a black eye. And she didn't get in trouble because I told her she could...
One time I wanted to run away...but I wanted to know that they cared. So I waited for my mom to get home to tell her that I was leaving. I had my little suitcase packed, my mom told me no that I needed to stay home and opened my suitcase to not find clothes but to find all of my toys haha I was like 6-7
Two years ago I was in a treatment center. Laureate, which is in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I have never been to OK before, nor do I know anyone who lives there (well now I do because of the center was local for a lot of girls there) Well one night, I was taking my allowed 15 min walk...The girl who was with me (always needed someone with you) was on the phone. So I ran for it. I had no idea where I was going or what I would do. I just knew I didn't want to be in treatment anymore. I went through the woods there and somehow lost a shoe and tore my pants pretty bad. The center kept calling me. But I refused to answer. Then I picked up when the girl I was walking with called me. She was my buddy...I picked up crying saying I dont know why I did it but I was done. She said she knew but there are other ways to leave treatment. haha after about 6 hours and a hour long phone call I described where I was and they found me and brought me back.
I have done a lot of stupid things, especially when it comes to my ed and it's just like "why?" haha
Friday, April 13, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Inspirational Journal-Week 27
If you could have any superpower, what would it be, and what would you do with it?
When I first saw this I thought of being able to make all the pain/ hurt/ bad things go away. But then I sat and thought, if we didn't have those bad things, how would we be able to appricate the good things? If nobody got sick, we wouldn't have faith. If nobody died, we wouldn't know love or pain .If we didn't have terrorism we wouldn't know unity. If nobody was robbed, homeless, or cheated, we would take things for granted. If nobody was abused, we wouldn't know protection. For every bad thing out there, there is a good thing that comes from it...
So then I thought, of reading minds. Not to be selfish, but to be able to know who would really be there for me, who I can count on and who to protect myself from. To know how what people think of me, to know if i'm cared about. Know what will help others and when to shut up. But then I don't think I would be the person I am today. Would I use this power to my advanage, would that make me a fake? I mean I am not crazy for the person I am, I don't like my past, and I would want to change some things but then I wouldn't be the person I am today. I don't want to be anyone else. I want to be me, whoever the hell that is. I want true friends, I don't want friends because I tell them what they want to hear, because frankly somethings they want to hear is wrong and I don't want to engage in that...
Honestly, I sit here and think of things of powers I would want, but I see bad things coming from them as well. So I can honestly say that I don't want a super power. (I just want to be a super human hehe)
When I first saw this I thought of being able to make all the pain/ hurt/ bad things go away. But then I sat and thought, if we didn't have those bad things, how would we be able to appricate the good things? If nobody got sick, we wouldn't have faith. If nobody died, we wouldn't know love or pain .If we didn't have terrorism we wouldn't know unity. If nobody was robbed, homeless, or cheated, we would take things for granted. If nobody was abused, we wouldn't know protection. For every bad thing out there, there is a good thing that comes from it...
So then I thought, of reading minds. Not to be selfish, but to be able to know who would really be there for me, who I can count on and who to protect myself from. To know how what people think of me, to know if i'm cared about. Know what will help others and when to shut up. But then I don't think I would be the person I am today. Would I use this power to my advanage, would that make me a fake? I mean I am not crazy for the person I am, I don't like my past, and I would want to change some things but then I wouldn't be the person I am today. I don't want to be anyone else. I want to be me, whoever the hell that is. I want true friends, I don't want friends because I tell them what they want to hear, because frankly somethings they want to hear is wrong and I don't want to engage in that...
Honestly, I sit here and think of things of powers I would want, but I see bad things coming from them as well. So I can honestly say that I don't want a super power. (I just want to be a super human hehe)
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Inspirational Journal-Week 26
Something positive about myself
This one is actually very hard...
The only thing I can say is how much I am devoted to help others. I have stayed up all night with friend who was sucidal (which did end up with me calling the cops). I had stayed up all night with people who just needed a listening ear. If someone says they need someone I am there. I am the type of person who will drop everything that is going on to help someone else. I was in treatment and a few girls attacked another girl for being in her eating disorder. its like umm she is in treatment for it. I was the one who was by her side. I was the one who rubbed her back when she cried. I had another close friend in treatment and I was able to bring her back to reality. She was have an hulliucation and I was able to bring her back. I always want to help others. I will stop and give strangers change or food if I have it. I volunteered at food banks, several times. I went on raising awareness walks. I went door to door asking for donations. I taught my cousin the 123's the abc's and body parts. I saved my nanna from choking... well I was the one who noticed and got someone to help her. Of course everyone was drunk and playing guitar hero that they didn't notice my screaming so I had to grab my dad's guitar for him to pay attention. But I did everything I possibly could to help. Whether it's emotionally, mentally, or physically, I find ways to be there for someone else.
I want to get better so I can go to schools and give lectures on eating disorders. I want anyone who feels alone feel that it is okay to talk to me, whether they know me in person or not. I want to finish my degree and become a therapist. I want to be the therapist who doesn't say "I have guidelines you can't text or call me" I want to be the type of therapist who reallllly cares about the person and not the money who tells their clients if you need it," if you need to vent about anything you can contact me"
I am the person that anyone can lean on, no matter what it is, no matter what I have going on, I know I can be someone who is there. I might not help, but I can always listen. Always, no excuses. I know how it feels to be screaming in room full of people and nobody noticing. I am the one who notices.
This one is actually very hard...
The only thing I can say is how much I am devoted to help others. I have stayed up all night with friend who was sucidal (which did end up with me calling the cops). I had stayed up all night with people who just needed a listening ear. If someone says they need someone I am there. I am the type of person who will drop everything that is going on to help someone else. I was in treatment and a few girls attacked another girl for being in her eating disorder. its like umm she is in treatment for it. I was the one who was by her side. I was the one who rubbed her back when she cried. I had another close friend in treatment and I was able to bring her back to reality. She was have an hulliucation and I was able to bring her back. I always want to help others. I will stop and give strangers change or food if I have it. I volunteered at food banks, several times. I went on raising awareness walks. I went door to door asking for donations. I taught my cousin the 123's the abc's and body parts. I saved my nanna from choking... well I was the one who noticed and got someone to help her. Of course everyone was drunk and playing guitar hero that they didn't notice my screaming so I had to grab my dad's guitar for him to pay attention. But I did everything I possibly could to help. Whether it's emotionally, mentally, or physically, I find ways to be there for someone else.
I want to get better so I can go to schools and give lectures on eating disorders. I want anyone who feels alone feel that it is okay to talk to me, whether they know me in person or not. I want to finish my degree and become a therapist. I want to be the therapist who doesn't say "I have guidelines you can't text or call me" I want to be the type of therapist who reallllly cares about the person and not the money who tells their clients if you need it," if you need to vent about anything you can contact me"
I am the person that anyone can lean on, no matter what it is, no matter what I have going on, I know I can be someone who is there. I might not help, but I can always listen. Always, no excuses. I know how it feels to be screaming in room full of people and nobody noticing. I am the one who notices.
Inspirational Journal-Week 25
Something I am proud of.
My education. I worked my ass off in school. It was the one thing that I ever felt like I was good at. It was like an accomplishment. It was okay that I stayed up all night and studied for weeks when I saw my test results. When I received awards in class and out of class. In 8th grade I got a "Cottone's coupon" which is my teacher last name and it was like a ticket to get out of doing homework...which I never used so I saved them up for extra credit, making my grade in that class a 103. People in science always wanting to partner up with me, because they knew I would get a good grade, and because I would take over. lol. I remember my science teacher asking me if I could tutor. I remember getting awards for science, mainly in front of the entire school. I remember getting accepted into every college I applied to. Paying only $9 a semester at Penn State.
It's the one thing I was ever proud of. That I felt good enough in. But that feeling is lessening when people question my intelligence and make me feel stupid. And the fact that I have been on medical leave from school for almost 3 years now. I know my knowledge is not all there anymore. Honestly, I remember studying my butt of but after the test or the project or assignment, I don't know if that information stuck with me...I guess we will find out when I eventually go back...which I am going to make that happen
My education. I worked my ass off in school. It was the one thing that I ever felt like I was good at. It was like an accomplishment. It was okay that I stayed up all night and studied for weeks when I saw my test results. When I received awards in class and out of class. In 8th grade I got a "Cottone's coupon" which is my teacher last name and it was like a ticket to get out of doing homework...which I never used so I saved them up for extra credit, making my grade in that class a 103. People in science always wanting to partner up with me, because they knew I would get a good grade, and because I would take over. lol. I remember my science teacher asking me if I could tutor. I remember getting awards for science, mainly in front of the entire school. I remember getting accepted into every college I applied to. Paying only $9 a semester at Penn State.
It's the one thing I was ever proud of. That I felt good enough in. But that feeling is lessening when people question my intelligence and make me feel stupid. And the fact that I have been on medical leave from school for almost 3 years now. I know my knowledge is not all there anymore. Honestly, I remember studying my butt of but after the test or the project or assignment, I don't know if that information stuck with me...I guess we will find out when I eventually go back...which I am going to make that happen
Monday, February 27, 2012
Inspirational Journal-Week 24
What is something I overcame, and how?
Well. Overcame meaning not going through it anymore...but still dealing with it emotionally/mentally...a lot...overcoming something and feeling free from it, nothing.
I would say the biggest thing was being abused from my father. I got through it but the emotional trauma caused by it is still there. I am terrified of anger. and I refuse to be around someone who is drinking. I won't touch alcohol not even a sip. I am scared of the same thing happening to me. I refuse to have anger. I don't want to take the chance and taking my anger out on someone else, so whenever I feel a tint of it is when I cut. I take it out on myself so I know I won't hurt anyone else. I think I am starting to overcome it though. I had to let him go. I haven't talked to him or seen him for a few months now and I feel a release. Still in the process of accepting it though. I think I have let go but I'm not in a place where I am okay with it. So it still hurts a lot...
I honestly don't know. I have been sitting here thinking of something I have overcame but I can't think of anything. It might be in the past but the pain from it is still here. So I don't know if you would consider it being overcame or not??
Well. Overcame meaning not going through it anymore...but still dealing with it emotionally/mentally...a lot...overcoming something and feeling free from it, nothing.
I would say the biggest thing was being abused from my father. I got through it but the emotional trauma caused by it is still there. I am terrified of anger. and I refuse to be around someone who is drinking. I won't touch alcohol not even a sip. I am scared of the same thing happening to me. I refuse to have anger. I don't want to take the chance and taking my anger out on someone else, so whenever I feel a tint of it is when I cut. I take it out on myself so I know I won't hurt anyone else. I think I am starting to overcome it though. I had to let him go. I haven't talked to him or seen him for a few months now and I feel a release. Still in the process of accepting it though. I think I have let go but I'm not in a place where I am okay with it. So it still hurts a lot...
I honestly don't know. I have been sitting here thinking of something I have overcame but I can't think of anything. It might be in the past but the pain from it is still here. So I don't know if you would consider it being overcame or not??
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