"Fight"

I am tired of fighting. Seems like I have been fighting my whole life.

I have fought with my dad, ever since I was born. I was hit. I couldn't fight back. I tried to once. not physically. I ended up telling my school what was going on and they told me that I could be taken away from my parents...eventhough my parents were divorced and I lived with my mom. I got scared and told them that I lied about it...I was suppose to go to Germany that year and because of the "lie" it was taken away from me...

Then the fight with ALL, started when I was 8. Nothing has changed in a matter of 14 years now. So im done fighting against that now.

Now my ED. It's been 8 years now. I wouldnt say I actually tried fighting it. I mean sure I went to treatment. But it didn't do anything. I didn't want it too. My first stay I actually got kicked out for not cooperating. The others, seemed to hold me there longer the more I struggled. So I ran away, thinking surely this will get me kicked out...nope it didnt...so I started recovery, but the whole time thinking "just do it now so you can go home and  be left alone again" The day I was discharged was the day I relapsed. If you want to even call it a relapse since I knew what I was doing, I knew my plans...

I do have moments though.  I will do certain things so I dont use my ED. I call my sponsor, journal, go to meetings. Then other days I dont want to be bothered. Seems like I can manage getting to a month with no behaviors if I want to but as soon as I hit that 30 day period I freak out and run back to it. I tell my mom that I can't get better because i haven't hit my rock bottom yet. I need to for it to happen. Then I say I dont have motivation, everything has been taken away from me anyway and I dont see it coming back in my life. Then I get motivation and it always seems to fade away. The last motivation I had was my sister told me she is pregnant...she has a few weeks to go and its like ehh well who cares you will never see the baby anyway, if she moves 3 hours away. I learned that I will be going home in 10 days and I have been doing okayish since I found out, but I really feel like that might change once I actually get there...time will tell I suppose