"Mystery"

I am not a fan. I dont like not knowing, I hate surprises. I like facts, I like knowing what to expect. I know this is why its so hard for me to recover, because its so unknown to me and it scares me. Being sick is normal for me. I know what will happen, how I will feel, what others say, what I do, etc. Going into recovery, I dont know any of it. Its like going to China without knowing chinese. I dont know who I am without it. I dont know if I will like myself or if others will like who I am if im not sick. I dont know if people would care. I dont know if I'll make it. I dont know if Ill switch eds and i dont know if Ill be able to stop gaining weight. I dont know if Ill ever truely be recovered or if it will be there everyday maybe not as hard but still lingering in the background. My one therapist from Laureate was obsessed with this quote, "Take the first step, even if you dont see the rest of the staircase"....WTH? who in their right mind would take the first step without being able to see something below to continue to catch you???