"Tears"

I hold back my tears. I try to. I feel so weak and vulerable when I cry. I refuse to cry in front of others (exception on Mothers day when I couldn't control it and when my mom left when I was admitted in treatment). My therapist has been trying to get me to cry, but everytime I am close it to I change the subject or ask her too. Most of the time, I act like I get distracted like "Denise you know you look like Mary from so you think you can dance?" She knows exactly what I am doing. Luckily she doesn't push it, she knows my limits and she wont even bring stuff up if im already in a bad place. 

When I was younger I cried at everything. My family (mainly my sister) would refer me as the cry baby. My dad always yelled when I cried said it was for babies and to suck it up and deal with it. So because of that, I have been trying to get rid of that label lingering on me. By getting rid of it means not to cry...which obviously is not the healthiest thing to do. 

Other than entering treatment, I can't even remember the last time I cried in front of my mom. 

When  I do need to cry, I completely isolate, I won't let anyone see and if I am interrupted  I immediately put on my fake smile, wipe my eyes and act like everything is okay. 

When I am crying because of something (mainly my dad) I wont let them know that they have that power over me. When I exploded on mothers day ( he came on a surprise visit and completely ignored me. Like I didn't exist) I felt so out of control and I like an idiot for not being able to hide my pain until everyone left. The second he left I broke down. It took over me. I hated it and I kept apologizing like I did something wrong. Anyway, when I found out my sister told my dad that I was upset, I was floored. I didn't tell her why I was upset because I didnt want her to run to dad and tell him and without knowing why I was upset she ran to him and told him anyway. I was so mad because know he knows he has this power over me still. I have tried so hard to act like what he does, says, doesn't bother me. Now he knows.