Goals
1. Go back to school.
2. Move back home
3. Get license.
4. .Get my own apartment
5. Lose 10 more pounds (yea yea i know hi ed)
6. Follow my meal plan (but without obsessing over measuring this time)
Ehh that's long enough right? I actaully was going to skip this week I first started writing I was drawing a blank. I just am having a really hard time in holding onto hope and seeing myself recovering and moving on from this. And I know I cant get my goals if I am still stuck in ed...
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Inspirational Journal-Week Sixteen
Giving....
To me, the things that don't seem to matter are the best gifts. I don't NEED what I want. I don't need an ipod or a dog or money or whatever it is. To me, being there for someone, willing to have a listening ear even if it is repeated, to give advice. to let me have a safe place to talk. to not be judged. to be accepted.to get loyalty. to feel love and be cared about. to be good enough in your eyes...those are things I need and want. But the things I have a hard time finding. and once I see a person who can give these things to me there is no letting go of them .I sink my claws in and I depend on them to get my needs met. I know it's not fair but I don't know any other way to get it. Not with my head telling me that I am unworthy of love and being cared about unless they have a reason for them to worry...
The biggest gift someone can give me is listening to me, even if it take all day and I make no sense and I repeat everything I say. It means more to me than you realize..
As for me, I like giving what I like receiving. I try my best (though I will somewhat admit ed gets in the away at times) I try to be there for others. To listen to what they have to say. To really listen, to understand where they are coming come. to be able to give them feedback and look back and say, "I know I have Stefanie" I would like to be the person that people can rely on. (that is where ed gets in the way. I will be there the most that I can be but my brain gets a little foggy and doesnt think clearly-obviously)
To me, the things that don't seem to matter are the best gifts. I don't NEED what I want. I don't need an ipod or a dog or money or whatever it is. To me, being there for someone, willing to have a listening ear even if it is repeated, to give advice. to let me have a safe place to talk. to not be judged. to be accepted.to get loyalty. to feel love and be cared about. to be good enough in your eyes...those are things I need and want. But the things I have a hard time finding. and once I see a person who can give these things to me there is no letting go of them .I sink my claws in and I depend on them to get my needs met. I know it's not fair but I don't know any other way to get it. Not with my head telling me that I am unworthy of love and being cared about unless they have a reason for them to worry...The biggest gift someone can give me is listening to me, even if it take all day and I make no sense and I repeat everything I say. It means more to me than you realize..As for me, I like giving what I like receiving. I try my best (though I will somewhat admit ed gets in the away at times) I try to be there for others. To listen to what they have to say. To really listen, to understand where they are coming come. to be able to give them feedback and look back and say, "I know I have Stefanie" I would like to be the person that people can rely on. (that is where ed gets in the way. I will be there the most that I can be but my brain gets a little foggy and doesnt think clearly-obviously)
Inspirational Journal-Week Fifteen
Higher Power...
Seriously this catching up with my blog is hard. All hard topics.
My God, my higher power, whatever you want to call it...
I know it's there but it's not there for me. Like I am the exception. It works for everyone else BUT me. It has everyone's back BUT mine... I know it's crazy but it's hard to believe that something is looking out for me when I had my life experiences and if I am still struggling with this ed, after 8 years.
I want to believe and I do believe for others. just not me.
Well I guess I shouldn't say all the time. I know I have had moments when I text my sponsor saying I had an "ahh" moment when I realize that something just took care of me. sometimes she has to point those moments out but I guess I do have them. Like when I want to purge but don't want to purge...something happens so I can't like someone else will be in the bathroom or something. I think something was behind me when I saw my first (horrible) therapist but she is the one who led me to my ABA group, which led me to my amazing sponsor.
I guess it's just hard having hope, having faith when you have lived the way I have lived. Which I feel bad for saying, but according to my current therapist is completely normal to feel the way I do when someone struggles with any type of addiction.
It'r hard for me to think of something is there when I can't see it or feel it. I mean I know ed I can't see but I feel him. I hear him. (yes it is a him haha) I know he is there
I guess I need hardcore proof that it is there for me. .. Until then I guess my feelings on this will remain the same.
Seriously this catching up with my blog is hard. All hard topics.
My God, my higher power, whatever you want to call it...
I know it's there but it's not there for me. Like I am the exception. It works for everyone else BUT me. It has everyone's back BUT mine... I know it's crazy but it's hard to believe that something is looking out for me when I had my life experiences and if I am still struggling with this ed, after 8 years.
I want to believe and I do believe for others. just not me.
Well I guess I shouldn't say all the time. I know I have had moments when I text my sponsor saying I had an "ahh" moment when I realize that something just took care of me. sometimes she has to point those moments out but I guess I do have them. Like when I want to purge but don't want to purge...something happens so I can't like someone else will be in the bathroom or something. I think something was behind me when I saw my first (horrible) therapist but she is the one who led me to my ABA group, which led me to my amazing sponsor.
I guess it's just hard having hope, having faith when you have lived the way I have lived. Which I feel bad for saying, but according to my current therapist is completely normal to feel the way I do when someone struggles with any type of addiction.
It'r hard for me to think of something is there when I can't see it or feel it. I mean I know ed I can't see but I feel him. I hear him. (yes it is a him haha) I know he is there
I guess I need hardcore proof that it is there for me. .. Until then I guess my feelings on this will remain the same.
Inspirational Journal-Week Fourteen
Giving thanks
Well I guess I give thanks to giving me the opportunties to going into treatment. For giving me the people I have met. The girls that help me get through the day for my sponsor.
I don't know what to say, I am trying to be positive but I want to be honest.
I hate the life I am living. I am not living and frankly I would rather be dead than to go through this fight everyday/all day.
I feel like I was punished right from the moment I was born. Into a dysnfunctional family. I guess I could give thanks to things not being as bad as they could be.
Well I guess I give thanks to giving me the opportunties to going into treatment. For giving me the people I have met. The girls that help me get through the day for my sponsor.
I don't know what to say, I am trying to be positive but I want to be honest.
I hate the life I am living. I am not living and frankly I would rather be dead than to go through this fight everyday/all day.
I feel like I was punished right from the moment I was born. Into a dysnfunctional family. I guess I could give thanks to things not being as bad as they could be.
Inspirational Journal-Week Thirteen
Forgiveness....
oh man another hard one for me =/
I have an extremely hard time forgiving others. I feel like if they are able to hurt me once, they are able to ruin me. After a person hurts you its very hard to "get over it" and press forward I mean I do it anymore but while I am still pushing down me being hurt/mad/upset with them. You know my handy mask comes on and covers everything. But I tend to hold grudges. You hurt me, Ill let you back in but not in the same way I am more cautious more protected so if it happens again it doesn't hit me as hard...
I def need to forgive my dad. I need to come to realize that my dad is just as sick as I am with a different addiction. and that he just isn't able to be there the way I need or want. I need to let go of his decision of leaving me and going after his dreams of living in the mountains. I need to forgive him of the many times I was hit again he was sick/is sick.. When you are in your disease you don't think clearly you dont do what you normally would. So I HAVE to make myself believe that it was his addiction doing it not him. I know for me, I am def not the same person if I am in my ED verses when im not.
I also need to forgive my mom. Everyone tells me that I am so pissed off at her and I don't know why. The only thing that comes to my mom is her cheating on my "dad" I feel like I missed an experience that everyone has and I just never had my parents together while I was alive. To witness you mom and dad not hating each other. But then I dont know if I blame her I mean he was violent and drunk all the time and I don't really know what happened I was only a few months old when they divorced. So how can I be so mad at someone when I don't even know the truth? I know I get frustrated with my mom very easily, when she doesn't understand where I am coming. I know she can't but it just annoys the hell out of me. Other than that...why am I so "pissed at her" I have no idea.
I need to forgive all the people who have left me. Still hurts and I need to let go. I have to realize that MAYBE it wasn't me. MAYBE they were going through something and couldnt be there for me or they needed to leave to take care of themselves. STILL HURTS LIKE HELL BUT GET OVER IT ALREADY
I need to forgive Art for lying to me. For being sneaky and making me look bad. For taking something away from me that I will never get back. For making me lose all respect for myself. He took more away from me that he will ever realize.
I need to forgive Cole...done not going into details about this one
And finally, I need to forgive myself. BIG TIME. and it's weird actaully saying this but I do beat myself up for being sick. which gives me an excuse for being sick. I have to realize that I have a disease. a cunning, baffeling, destroying disease. I don't want to lie and be sneaky. I dont want to do the things I do or have done. But I am sick. I have to be gentle on myself. It doesn't make it okay, but I guess in a way it does. Not saying the things I do is okay because im sick but i just have to not beat myself up for them...sorry kinda a whirlwind.
oh man another hard one for me =/
I have an extremely hard time forgiving others. I feel like if they are able to hurt me once, they are able to ruin me. After a person hurts you its very hard to "get over it" and press forward I mean I do it anymore but while I am still pushing down me being hurt/mad/upset with them. You know my handy mask comes on and covers everything. But I tend to hold grudges. You hurt me, Ill let you back in but not in the same way I am more cautious more protected so if it happens again it doesn't hit me as hard...
I def need to forgive my dad. I need to come to realize that my dad is just as sick as I am with a different addiction. and that he just isn't able to be there the way I need or want. I need to let go of his decision of leaving me and going after his dreams of living in the mountains. I need to forgive him of the many times I was hit again he was sick/is sick.. When you are in your disease you don't think clearly you dont do what you normally would. So I HAVE to make myself believe that it was his addiction doing it not him. I know for me, I am def not the same person if I am in my ED verses when im not.
I also need to forgive my mom. Everyone tells me that I am so pissed off at her and I don't know why. The only thing that comes to my mom is her cheating on my "dad" I feel like I missed an experience that everyone has and I just never had my parents together while I was alive. To witness you mom and dad not hating each other. But then I dont know if I blame her I mean he was violent and drunk all the time and I don't really know what happened I was only a few months old when they divorced. So how can I be so mad at someone when I don't even know the truth? I know I get frustrated with my mom very easily, when she doesn't understand where I am coming. I know she can't but it just annoys the hell out of me. Other than that...why am I so "pissed at her" I have no idea.
I need to forgive all the people who have left me. Still hurts and I need to let go. I have to realize that MAYBE it wasn't me. MAYBE they were going through something and couldnt be there for me or they needed to leave to take care of themselves. STILL HURTS LIKE HELL BUT GET OVER IT ALREADY
I need to forgive Art for lying to me. For being sneaky and making me look bad. For taking something away from me that I will never get back. For making me lose all respect for myself. He took more away from me that he will ever realize.
I need to forgive Cole...done not going into details about this one
And finally, I need to forgive myself. BIG TIME. and it's weird actaully saying this but I do beat myself up for being sick. which gives me an excuse for being sick. I have to realize that I have a disease. a cunning, baffeling, destroying disease. I don't want to lie and be sneaky. I dont want to do the things I do or have done. But I am sick. I have to be gentle on myself. It doesn't make it okay, but I guess in a way it does. Not saying the things I do is okay because im sick but i just have to not beat myself up for them...sorry kinda a whirlwind.
Inspirational Journal-Week Twelve
The ones in my life. The ones who have stuck by me the entire time.
1. My sponsor. I can't express enough how much this woman means to me. She literally has been there since the day I have met her. Sure she has a crazy busy schedule but if I was in any danger I know she would be there. She's not just my sponsor, she's a friend, a support, a big sister, a mother, she's a person I can go to about anything. And nothing changes..her judgements on that is. Gosh this woman. I put her through hell and back. We have faught, we have cried we have ignored each other, we have screamed, we have given attitude but we also have opened up, shared our stories, offered advice, a shoulder to cry on, hugs. I can't count how many times she has had a conversation with my ed, not me, ed. Where ed took control and yelled and said mean things cried and had a hissy fit. She was there just like the times when I was motivated and when I have all these questions. She has always been there for everything. She came to visit when I was in treatment at Renfrew, She has driven me to groups when I had no other way of getting there, she has taken me to the hospital and stayed with me, she has talked to me in the middle of the night, she made me meals that was still restricting but still overwhelming and sat there for 3 hours until I was able to finish it. I know I get frustrated at times because she has a busy schedule but I know she is there. I know I can always text or call her about anything...seriously whenever something goes wrong ed related or not I go to her. I know that is not her role but she is still there to support me in anyway she can. She isn't going anywhere.(i dont think). She is one that I can honestly say that I fully 100% trust and has the best interests for me at heart.
Honestly, she is the only person I can say who has been there for everything...When I was sick and when I was healthy. I can't say that about anyone else. not even family. My dad hasn't been in my life. My mom I know she cares but the time I needed her the most is the time she told me to get out of the house. I think she wants to be there but she is just too consumed with making her boyfriend happy and i HATE saying that but its how I feel. Honestly if she had to save one and we were both in danger I think she would go to him first. And I dont want to think that way but I do.
I can go on and give you a list of people who have been there but they left, and I don't think that was the topic for this post. =P
1. My sponsor. I can't express enough how much this woman means to me. She literally has been there since the day I have met her. Sure she has a crazy busy schedule but if I was in any danger I know she would be there. She's not just my sponsor, she's a friend, a support, a big sister, a mother, she's a person I can go to about anything. And nothing changes..her judgements on that is. Gosh this woman. I put her through hell and back. We have faught, we have cried we have ignored each other, we have screamed, we have given attitude but we also have opened up, shared our stories, offered advice, a shoulder to cry on, hugs. I can't count how many times she has had a conversation with my ed, not me, ed. Where ed took control and yelled and said mean things cried and had a hissy fit. She was there just like the times when I was motivated and when I have all these questions. She has always been there for everything. She came to visit when I was in treatment at Renfrew, She has driven me to groups when I had no other way of getting there, she has taken me to the hospital and stayed with me, she has talked to me in the middle of the night, she made me meals that was still restricting but still overwhelming and sat there for 3 hours until I was able to finish it. I know I get frustrated at times because she has a busy schedule but I know she is there. I know I can always text or call her about anything...seriously whenever something goes wrong ed related or not I go to her. I know that is not her role but she is still there to support me in anyway she can. She isn't going anywhere.(i dont think). She is one that I can honestly say that I fully 100% trust and has the best interests for me at heart.Honestly, she is the only person I can say who has been there for everything...When I was sick and when I was healthy. I can't say that about anyone else. not even family. My dad hasn't been in my life. My mom I know she cares but the time I needed her the most is the time she told me to get out of the house. I think she wants to be there but she is just too consumed with making her boyfriend happy and i HATE saying that but its how I feel. Honestly if she had to save one and we were both in danger I think she would go to him first. And I dont want to think that way but I do.
I can go on and give you a list of people who have been there but they left, and I don't think that was the topic for this post. =P
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Inspirational Journal-Week Eleven
Why do you want recovery?
Well this is extemely difficult for me at the moment. I think i'm on a teeter totter with this one too. I want it but I don't. Somedays I can be beyond motivated, other days i don't want to be bothered. I guess this wanting it/not wanting it is a battle between Ed and I. I can list so many more reason of not wanting it, so i guess that means Ed is still behind the wheel. Though there are a few things why I do want it which is ...
1. I will be able to get approved to go back to school and finish college. If I am still sick and still not approved obviously I can't graduate college and it's been two years now that I have not been in school. which leads into-
2. I will be able to get the job I want...which ironically is working in a treatment center for eating disorders. Not only will I not be able to have this job without my degree but I also can't help other girls in the center if it is clear that I am being a hypocrite...
3. To stop getting seizures so I can drive and be independent.
4. To not have people breath down my back when i eat/after i eat (ummm hi there ed hehe)
5. To be able to focus on other things other than calories and food. So I can partcipate more with my friends and actaully be there for them. To be able to engage in a conversation, rather than just act like I am there in the moment hearing EVERY word they say.
6. NO MORE DEPRESSION????? (the whole "Im not good enough" feeling would be an awesome experience of not having it one time)
7. To not live this life anymore. I mean again I can list reasons why I can't get better yet, what makes me hold on to it. But honestly these past 8 years...what have i done with my life? sure I finished high school, but I was never allowed out to have fun with my friends. I always had to stay in and perfect my homework/projects and study for hours because God forbid I get a 99% instead of a 100%. ( A number one rule I had to follow from ed) The past two years I have been in hospitals and treatment centers. I have had people leave. I have had feeding tubes, I have had to lie, sneak around, steal, isolate. I have numerous medical complications i'm 22. If this is my life only after 8 years of this disease, where the hell is it going to be in another 8, 20, 30, etc...
Well this is extemely difficult for me at the moment. I think i'm on a teeter totter with this one too. I want it but I don't. Somedays I can be beyond motivated, other days i don't want to be bothered. I guess this wanting it/not wanting it is a battle between Ed and I. I can list so many more reason of not wanting it, so i guess that means Ed is still behind the wheel. Though there are a few things why I do want it which is ...
1. I will be able to get approved to go back to school and finish college. If I am still sick and still not approved obviously I can't graduate college and it's been two years now that I have not been in school. which leads into-
2. I will be able to get the job I want...which ironically is working in a treatment center for eating disorders. Not only will I not be able to have this job without my degree but I also can't help other girls in the center if it is clear that I am being a hypocrite...
3. To stop getting seizures so I can drive and be independent.
4. To not have people breath down my back when i eat/after i eat (ummm hi there ed hehe)
5. To be able to focus on other things other than calories and food. So I can partcipate more with my friends and actaully be there for them. To be able to engage in a conversation, rather than just act like I am there in the moment hearing EVERY word they say.
6. NO MORE DEPRESSION????? (the whole "Im not good enough" feeling would be an awesome experience of not having it one time)
7. To not live this life anymore. I mean again I can list reasons why I can't get better yet, what makes me hold on to it. But honestly these past 8 years...what have i done with my life? sure I finished high school, but I was never allowed out to have fun with my friends. I always had to stay in and perfect my homework/projects and study for hours because God forbid I get a 99% instead of a 100%. ( A number one rule I had to follow from ed) The past two years I have been in hospitals and treatment centers. I have had people leave. I have had feeding tubes, I have had to lie, sneak around, steal, isolate. I have numerous medical complications i'm 22. If this is my life only after 8 years of this disease, where the hell is it going to be in another 8, 20, 30, etc...
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Inspirational Journal-Week Ten
Accomplishments
Well I wasn't even going to write this week's but I can't just not do it. I HAVE to think of something even if it's small....still a accomplishment, right?
Hmmm. Well, I graduated high-school and one year of college. Honestly that is all I can think of that is Huge and the norm...but I did very well in school. I worked my butt off, I got pretty much all A's I was in AP and Honor classes (yes miss. perfectionist) I got many awards mainly for science...
But other accomplishments, I told my mom about my ED and decided to go and complete treatment (despite my current struggle) That was a HUGE accomplishment for me. I MADE the decision, sure I was advised to but I am the one who did it. I am the one who agreed to go to treatment (well the 1st time- 2nd time I was kind of forced).
It took 6 months but I went to a ABA face to face meeting. I wanted to but I was scared of what they (the other girls) would think or say. That I was the "fattest anorexic in the room" that "She doesn't need to be here" but they didn't they welcomed me in. That took a lot of courage for me its another step closer to getting rid of this thing I suppose.
I am honest with my treatment team. I did waterload one time but I felt guilt and texted Joy to let her know the truth.
Hmmm I completed dance, horse-back riding, and cheer-leading competitions.
I over came a speech problem (yea couldn't pronouce "r" sounds. Which I still have problems at time but I am able to stop and correct myself despite sounding stupid...I guess that was a big thing it took up until like 14 to be able to talk and for people to understand me.
Unfortunetly, that is all I can think of, and HOPEFULLY a few years from now, I will have more accomplished with my life....
Well I wasn't even going to write this week's but I can't just not do it. I HAVE to think of something even if it's small....still a accomplishment, right?
Hmmm. Well, I graduated high-school and one year of college. Honestly that is all I can think of that is Huge and the norm...but I did very well in school. I worked my butt off, I got pretty much all A's I was in AP and Honor classes (yes miss. perfectionist) I got many awards mainly for science...
But other accomplishments, I told my mom about my ED and decided to go and complete treatment (despite my current struggle) That was a HUGE accomplishment for me. I MADE the decision, sure I was advised to but I am the one who did it. I am the one who agreed to go to treatment (well the 1st time- 2nd time I was kind of forced).
It took 6 months but I went to a ABA face to face meeting. I wanted to but I was scared of what they (the other girls) would think or say. That I was the "fattest anorexic in the room" that "She doesn't need to be here" but they didn't they welcomed me in. That took a lot of courage for me its another step closer to getting rid of this thing I suppose.
I am honest with my treatment team. I did waterload one time but I felt guilt and texted Joy to let her know the truth.
Hmmm I completed dance, horse-back riding, and cheer-leading competitions.
I over came a speech problem (yea couldn't pronouce "r" sounds. Which I still have problems at time but I am able to stop and correct myself despite sounding stupid...I guess that was a big thing it took up until like 14 to be able to talk and for people to understand me.
Unfortunetly, that is all I can think of, and HOPEFULLY a few years from now, I will have more accomplished with my life....
Inspirational Journal-Week Nine
Things that make me smile, and laugh
My Dog for SURE. He is absolutely the cutest thing ever. He just knows. I know he is a dog but whenever I am down he just knows and he will follow me around or lick me. He actually tries to make things better to let me know he's there and he is a dog. I know when I get my seizures, he protects me. I was told, the first time I had my seizure my mom ran to my side, not sure what to do (I was on the couch) so she was taking pillows and laying them on the floor in case I fell. Well, Max got extremely protective. He jumped on me and wouldn't let anyone touch me. He laid with me for the rest of the night also. Either glued to my side or on my stomach. I am smiling just thinking about him. I also LOVE when you walk in, even if you were only gone to get the mail, how he gets so excited to see you home. To know that you haven't left. It's just like pure happiness.
My Dog for SURE. He is absolutely the cutest thing ever. He just knows. I know he is a dog but whenever I am down he just knows and he will follow me around or lick me. He actually tries to make things better to let me know he's there and he is a dog. I know when I get my seizures, he protects me. I was told, the first time I had my seizure my mom ran to my side, not sure what to do (I was on the couch) so she was taking pillows and laying them on the floor in case I fell. Well, Max got extremely protective. He jumped on me and wouldn't let anyone touch me. He laid with me for the rest of the night also. Either glued to my side or on my stomach. I am smiling just thinking about him. I also LOVE when you walk in, even if you were only gone to get the mail, how he gets so excited to see you home. To know that you haven't left. It's just like pure happiness.
Inspirational Journal-Week Eight
FEARS....
I honestly don't even know where to start. So ill do a list...
1. GAINING WEIGHT/GETTING FAT/LIFE WITHOUT ED
For some reason this is for sure my number one. Who would I be with ed. If I gained weight or got fat, nobody would care because they have no reason to ask me how I am or to think of me from time to time. Hell I don't even know who I am or how I am, Ed tells me and what am I going to do if nobody is steering for me?What if people don't like me, what if I don't like me? Do I really want to find out? See ed protects me, it numbs me out so i don't know who I am therefore; I dont know if i like myself. The unknowns are very scary a lot of "if's" and I don't like "if's" I like facts. something set in stone. something you can rely on. I hate surprises and I hate guessing. What if you're wrong???
2. Never recovering
Yet at the same time, what if I live this way for the rest of my life? I will have no family because nobody wants to deal with a sneaky anorexic. I will still not be able to finish school and to get the job I want. I won't get married or have kids and buy my own nice big house.I don't want to be alone. I already am. I want to get married but what if they make me stop. I dont want to be forced to stop. I can't be. I won't be able to drive because my health is already pretty screwed up so imagine what it would be years from now. Everyday, waking up thinking about how many calories I will eat today and how many I burn or purge and obsessing with my body. I have dont that for eight years already I don't want to do it for the rest of my life...
3. Ghosts/Death
It weird that I am actaully terrified of dying when I attempted to kill myself and is still sometimes a thought in my head. I'm not sure if it's actually dying or who I would be leaving behind-well the ones who would notice... or nobody nobody noticing. Just moving on without blinking an eye, of course I wouldn't know...Maybe it is dying, I'm already in pain, sure it's emotional but I don't want my last moments in life to be in physical pain. And yes ghosts. I do believe my house is haunted. I swear I am not totally crazy but I did hear my name being called when I was the only one home. And I had a music globe that decided to play everynight at the same time-when everyone was sleeping...I just don't want to see them I don't care if they are there but I would really rather not see or hear them. it freaks me out.
4. Being Alone/Being crowded
Again I know black and white thinking. I don't want to be alone in life. I mean moments are fine but I want to have people there for me emotionally and physically. I want to have a life. I don't want to be by myself. Then at the same time, what if someone is always there and they MAKE me stop my ed. or they make comments. or whatever....
5. Not being Good Enough/Being Hurt
The whole not being good enough thing is big in my family. I am always compared. Why haven't I gotten better yet, why did I only dance for 3 hours instead of 4 Why did I get a 98% instead of 100%?. I am always judged. I am always criticized. I feel like I am never good enough. All everyone sees are my flaws instead of my attempts. Being Hurt hmm yea well I've been hurt in more than one way and I am still scared of it. I don't think my mind or my heart can last it being injured anymore. For example-finding out who my biological father is...I want to know but what if this drunk isn't then I went through that abuse for nothing and I treated Bill like crap because of a false belief??? Then if he is, well then why does he want nothing to do with me? What did I do for him not to want me in his life?
I honestly don't even know where to start. So ill do a list...
1. GAINING WEIGHT/GETTING FAT/LIFE WITHOUT ED
For some reason this is for sure my number one. Who would I be with ed. If I gained weight or got fat, nobody would care because they have no reason to ask me how I am or to think of me from time to time. Hell I don't even know who I am or how I am, Ed tells me and what am I going to do if nobody is steering for me?What if people don't like me, what if I don't like me? Do I really want to find out? See ed protects me, it numbs me out so i don't know who I am therefore; I dont know if i like myself. The unknowns are very scary a lot of "if's" and I don't like "if's" I like facts. something set in stone. something you can rely on. I hate surprises and I hate guessing. What if you're wrong???
2. Never recovering
Yet at the same time, what if I live this way for the rest of my life? I will have no family because nobody wants to deal with a sneaky anorexic. I will still not be able to finish school and to get the job I want. I won't get married or have kids and buy my own nice big house.I don't want to be alone. I already am. I want to get married but what if they make me stop. I dont want to be forced to stop. I can't be. I won't be able to drive because my health is already pretty screwed up so imagine what it would be years from now. Everyday, waking up thinking about how many calories I will eat today and how many I burn or purge and obsessing with my body. I have dont that for eight years already I don't want to do it for the rest of my life...
3. Ghosts/Death
It weird that I am actaully terrified of dying when I attempted to kill myself and is still sometimes a thought in my head. I'm not sure if it's actually dying or who I would be leaving behind-well the ones who would notice... or nobody nobody noticing. Just moving on without blinking an eye, of course I wouldn't know...Maybe it is dying, I'm already in pain, sure it's emotional but I don't want my last moments in life to be in physical pain. And yes ghosts. I do believe my house is haunted. I swear I am not totally crazy but I did hear my name being called when I was the only one home. And I had a music globe that decided to play everynight at the same time-when everyone was sleeping...I just don't want to see them I don't care if they are there but I would really rather not see or hear them. it freaks me out.
4. Being Alone/Being crowded
Again I know black and white thinking. I don't want to be alone in life. I mean moments are fine but I want to have people there for me emotionally and physically. I want to have a life. I don't want to be by myself. Then at the same time, what if someone is always there and they MAKE me stop my ed. or they make comments. or whatever....
5. Not being Good Enough/Being Hurt
The whole not being good enough thing is big in my family. I am always compared. Why haven't I gotten better yet, why did I only dance for 3 hours instead of 4 Why did I get a 98% instead of 100%?. I am always judged. I am always criticized. I feel like I am never good enough. All everyone sees are my flaws instead of my attempts. Being Hurt hmm yea well I've been hurt in more than one way and I am still scared of it. I don't think my mind or my heart can last it being injured anymore. For example-finding out who my biological father is...I want to know but what if this drunk isn't then I went through that abuse for nothing and I treated Bill like crap because of a false belief??? Then if he is, well then why does he want nothing to do with me? What did I do for him not to want me in his life?
Inspirational Journal-Week Seven
Words that Give me Meaning...
Trouble he will find you no matter where you go, oh oh
No matter if you're fast, no matter if you're slow, oh oh
The eye of the storm or the cry in the mourn, oh oh
You're fine for a while but you start to lose control
He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!
Trouble is a friend but trouble is a foe, oh oh
And no matter what I feed him he always seems to grow, oh oh
He sees what I see and he knows what I know, oh oh
So don't forget as you ease on down the road
He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine
So don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm
I won't let him win, but I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!
Oh how I hate the way he makes me feel
And how I try to make him leave, I try
Oh oh, I try!
He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh
So don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm
I won't let him win, but I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!
Trouble he will find you no matter where you go, oh oh
No matter if you're fast, no matter if you're slow, oh oh
The eye of the storm or the cry in the mourn, oh oh
You're fine for a while but you start to lose control
He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!
Trouble is a friend but trouble is a foe, oh oh
And no matter what I feed him he always seems to grow, oh oh
He sees what I see and he knows what I know, oh oh
So don't forget as you ease on down the road
He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine
So don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm
I won't let him win, but I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!
Oh how I hate the way he makes me feel
And how I try to make him leave, I try
Oh oh, I try!
He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh
So don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm
I won't let him win, but I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!
This Week was actaully tough for me, I LOVE MUSIC, and pretty much every song I listen to I can relate to one one or another. So it was hard choosing JUST ONE...But this song sums up where I am today. The back and forth battle. The wanting to get better but not wanting to get better at the same time. That something bigger than you that keeps convincing you and pulling you back. The desire to let go and move on but you just can't. Ed for sure is a a friend and a foe all at once.
Inspirational Journal-Week Six
Where are you now?
Right now, I feel like I am on a teeter totter. You move slightly and it turns different directions. You need balance to stay still. I feel like I will never get that balance. I will always be up or I will always be down. Lately, I've been down. I am restricting a lot. I am isolating. but then I have moments when I am up....
moments when I reach out for support like Thursday I text my nutritionist to help me get through not purging. I have been calling my sponsor again everyday. I am making all my appointments it's just a matter of listening to what they tell me to do.
It's always all or nothing for me. Black and white. Either in recovery or in ed. But it HAS to be perfect you can't be in recovery and still restrict and just stop purging.
There is nothing there that is giving me balance. I just can't seem to find that little thing in life that makes everything stay still , where you dont lean one way and just pumplet that direction. When it is there, it only last for a split second.
Right now, I feel like I am on a teeter totter. You move slightly and it turns different directions. You need balance to stay still. I feel like I will never get that balance. I will always be up or I will always be down. Lately, I've been down. I am restricting a lot. I am isolating. but then I have moments when I am up....
moments when I reach out for support like Thursday I text my nutritionist to help me get through not purging. I have been calling my sponsor again everyday. I am making all my appointments it's just a matter of listening to what they tell me to do.
It's always all or nothing for me. Black and white. Either in recovery or in ed. But it HAS to be perfect you can't be in recovery and still restrict and just stop purging.
There is nothing there that is giving me balance. I just can't seem to find that little thing in life that makes everything stay still , where you dont lean one way and just pumplet that direction. When it is there, it only last for a split second.
Inspirational Journal-Week Five
What is your favorite moment in life?
I would say anything with my sister. My sister growing up was my mom, and my best friend. She took care of me. I do love her to death. I remember whenever i had a problem I would run to her and not my mom (which my mom wasn't too happy about) but i trusted her. How could I not trust her when she was the one taking care of me, when my dad and was drunk and my mom was out partying? Oh gosh the times I have had with her. We would get in trouble at night, because we would play games, our rooms were next to each other and we would play this game of singing a song and the other person had to guess who sang it and the name of the song. Well, we didn't realize that we had vents and we weren't exactly quiet. I would always get in trouble for sneaking in her room at night. I would curl up in a ball and sleep next to her. I was only a kid but it was comforting and it still brings me warmth when i think about it. There was also another time when we played UNO and she shoved the cards down her pants because we thought our mom was coming. She was 4 years older than me and always made time for me. She was the only one who ever did. We played Barbies a lot and we made the dolls go shopping and she would always have more clothes than I would, it took a while for me to learn that she cheated at everything. She was taking clothes and sitting on them and just said she got it in the begininng of the game. We would also play "camp" we would set up tents and I would be waiting for her to finish setting up her camp area and by the time she finished organizing it she didn't want to play anymore.
Honestly, all I remember from my childhood is being hit and spending time with my sister. So for that time Chris, I thank you. I love you very much, I always will.
I MISS you so much that nobody can understand
I would say anything with my sister. My sister growing up was my mom, and my best friend. She took care of me. I do love her to death. I remember whenever i had a problem I would run to her and not my mom (which my mom wasn't too happy about) but i trusted her. How could I not trust her when she was the one taking care of me, when my dad and was drunk and my mom was out partying? Oh gosh the times I have had with her. We would get in trouble at night, because we would play games, our rooms were next to each other and we would play this game of singing a song and the other person had to guess who sang it and the name of the song. Well, we didn't realize that we had vents and we weren't exactly quiet. I would always get in trouble for sneaking in her room at night. I would curl up in a ball and sleep next to her. I was only a kid but it was comforting and it still brings me warmth when i think about it. There was also another time when we played UNO and she shoved the cards down her pants because we thought our mom was coming. She was 4 years older than me and always made time for me. She was the only one who ever did. We played Barbies a lot and we made the dolls go shopping and she would always have more clothes than I would, it took a while for me to learn that she cheated at everything. She was taking clothes and sitting on them and just said she got it in the begininng of the game. We would also play "camp" we would set up tents and I would be waiting for her to finish setting up her camp area and by the time she finished organizing it she didn't want to play anymore.
Honestly, all I remember from my childhood is being hit and spending time with my sister. So for that time Chris, I thank you. I love you very much, I always will.
I MISS you so much that nobody can understand
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