Inspirational Journal-Week 24

What is something I overcame, and how?

Well. Overcame meaning not going through it anymore...but still dealing with it emotionally/mentally...a lot...overcoming something and feeling free from it, nothing.

I would say the biggest thing was being abused from my father. I got through it but the emotional trauma caused by it is still there. I am terrified of anger. and I refuse to be around someone who is drinking. I won't touch alcohol not even a sip. I am scared of the same thing happening to me. I refuse to have anger. I don't want to take the chance and taking my anger out on someone else, so whenever I feel a tint of it is when I cut. I take it out on myself so I know I won't hurt anyone else. I think I am starting to overcome it though. I had to let him go. I haven't talked to him or seen him for a few months now and I feel a release. Still in the process of accepting it though. I think I have let go but I'm not in a place where  I am okay with it. So it still hurts a lot...

I honestly don't know. I have been sitting here thinking of something I have overcame but I can't think of anything. It might be in the past but the pain from it is still here. So I don't know if you would consider it being overcame or not??

Inspirational Journal-Week 23

Best Recovery Affirmations (for me)


1. I am trustworthy. I can rely on me.


2. Walking away from something that is bad for me is not quitting!

3. I have learned to treat myself gently because with a few exceptions, I am doing my best.


4. When I am in trouble, dwelling on it doesn't really help. I can feel sad, I can grieve, but eventually I have to move on. Time does heal, and when I am going through a difficult patch I will remember I don't want to make it any worse.

5. What I do today may have a profound impact on my life tomorrow

6. The need for someone's approval 100% of the time is inhumane 

7. Self love is my birthright

8. sometimes I need to spin my wheels...it helps me get unstuck 

9. If I begin to get bored with the mechanics of my program, such as food plans, I need to remember what it was like before

10.It is often easier to know what to do than to do it. Today I will do those things that strengthen my recovery.

11. I cannot see the outcome of the journey, but I can take the next step

Whenever I struggle, I call my sponsor or a close friend (yea you know who you are=)) My sponsor will normally tell me that I am okay, it's just a step, just a baby step.I have to do the next best thing. That the urges will pass (which they do!!!!)  She will often remind me that I am okay. I might be struggling but I am okay. It's comforting for me, and it does seem to help...And my friend, she says a lot, "it is what it is" which I hate at times, but in the end, its true. It is what it is. I can't do anything about it, and if I can it won't be a right away fix. it just is. It's not bad nor good it just is. Why get so worried about something when you can do nothing about it? It's like wasting energy. 

Inspirational Journal-Week 22

Where do I keep my emotions?

I want to say my head but I guess that is obvious and not what this topic meant haha.

Well I don't know, but I am assuming my chest area because lately with all the emotions I have been feeling I have been getting a lot of chest pains. I mean nothing major just like a dull aching pain, kind of how I feel in my head. If that makes sense? My head is going crazy and im hurt. scared. mad. upset...feels like I am broken. Not my heart, just me. And no matter how many times you put me pack together there is always this small piece missing, and nobody is ever able to seem to find that piece. That small piece is what holds everything together, without it, it will just fall apart again. it has to be whole. It's like a chair missing a leg, it needs all four legs to be able to stand straight up, if you only have 3 legs it will tip and fall over when pressure is on it. Or like a crumpled piece of paper. You can try to straighten it and flatten it back out but there will always be the creases on it.

I tend to wear my emotions. I don't feel them. (well im starting to) but I always wore it. Maybe not in my face but it was always showing if you looked. I always have a smile on so I use my body. I told my therapist one time that  I can't show her how much pain I am in, I have to show her. That is all I know. I told her that when I lost weight and more and more to a point where I am clearly disgusting someone knows something is wrong. They might not know what is wrong but they know something is just not right. I also cut. Whenever I feel anger I cut. I refuse to be an angry person and violent like my father so when I feel any form of anger, even if it is frustration I am terrified of losing control and being just like my dad. I know what it feels like to be hurt. And I couldnt bare do that to anyone else so I take the violence out on me instead. I hurt myself just IN CASE I am like him...

Okay I went off a bit hahah.

Inspirational Journal-Week 21

What do I want to hear?

Hmmm....

From my dad, I would like him to say, "I am sorry I wasn't the father I should of been. I am sorry I missed your dance recitals, and horse shows, and awards and graduation. I am sorry I said I would be there and made promises that were always broken" I don't know how many times I have told him how I felt and instead of opening his eyes, he put the blame on me. I don't want that anymore. I want to hear him admit that he done me wrong, that he should of never hit me and regrets leaving me. That he misses me and loves me.

From my mom, I just want to hear that she loves me no matter what. That she is there and proud of me. That I am good enough for her. I dont want to hear, even if its true..."You still need to work on..." No I just want to hear, "You are good enough, I believe in you"

Inspirational Journal-Week Twenty

Okay, I cheated...I asked a friend who I resemble and from that one answer it got the ball rolling.

My friend told me Sleeping beauty...she says that Sleeping Beauty rose up from being poisoned...Resembles my fight with my eating disorder. How I was trapped under this spell, this poison that was slowly killing me when just a miracle happens and wakes you up. I dont know what my miracle was and I dont need to know, and I know that I am still early in recovery (2 weeks today) so it might be too soon to say that...but I do feel awake now. I am able to concentrate a bit more, I have some energy, my body is starting to function again. (key word starting... still no period)

Then I thought of Ariel...how she wants to be something she's not. When she gets the chance to be that something else, she loses something in return. Her voice. For me, I want to be recovered, I want to be the happy bubbly girl that I once was. I am getting there, I have to lose ed to do so though. I am hoping that I have the same ending (well without my father being turned into something else haha) but to find something that I like so much about this new life that I want to stay there...



When I am in Ed though. I am Ursula. I am mean, I am manipulative, I help others but for some benefit for me. I am sneaky, I don't stay true to my word. I do anything to get my way

Inspirational Journal-Week Nineteen

Favorite time of the year.

I absolutely love the fall. I love seeing all the colors, the orange, red, yellow, brown, and green leaves. It's so bright and uplifting. To see all the change happening around me. It makes me realize that change can be a good thing, and that it does happen. It reminds me maybe if I change, than I can be uplighting and bright too. I much rather be that than dark and gloomy...it reminds me of life. It just brings a smile to my face, it's sooooo beautiful.




Though I am not a fan of the wheather at this time, I would prefer summer. I love the warmth on my skin. its the only time of year that I am not freezing.haha

Inspirational Journal-Week Eighteen

Great Recovery Advice

The best advice I got was probably last night,  " To need someone's approval all the time is inhumane"

I am a big people pleaser, to a point where I will do something I don't want to, just so they give me approval. I would eat a normal meal, or even binge with my sister so they are happy that I am eating, and ended up purging it without them knowing. I went to a college that I didn't want to just to make my mom happy. I worked my butt of to make sure I got straight A's to please everyone when I clearly needed to take a break. I am ALWAYS trying to please everyone and it's exhausting because in the end someone is always still going to be unhappy. Someone is always going to say, that what I am doing could be better. I coul do  more, work harder, faster, etc. That puts me in a place where I am not good enough. And I am good enough! I am where I am suppose to be right now. If I am struggling with ed, i have to believe that it's just not my time to get better.. even with ed. I think this past week I have come far, I have made a huge improvement and still I get comments from two different people, one related one isn't, that what I am doing isn't good enough. And I still need to do this and that...Okay I realize, yes there are some things I still need to work on, but can't someone for once recognize the baby steps I am taking it's still hard work. And to think that I was going to say "F it" and give up when they confronted me, because im not doing a good job and I never will be what they want me to be, where they want me  to be...For christs sake I am 22 years old and I haven't lived my life the way I wanted, I lived it to make everyone else happy. It's time to do this for me and say, "thanks for your feedback" and not let it effect me anymore. I have to stop seeking approval from others and get my own approval. I know the work I am doing is hard and I think I am doing a great job. It's my life, I think the only approval I need is mine. This is allowing me to not let others have so power over me, to not allow them to walk all over me anymore.