Monday, June 11, 2012

"Force"

I hate the word force. I automatically think of my dad. The force he used against me. The force that hurt me and put me in the hospital several times. Then  I think of Cole...they man who molestated me.I think of treatment, not once did I volunteer to go IP it was always being forced by my team or my mom...My mom actually had to get power of attorney over me to make me go. Te judge gave it to her because of the state I was in, so I went, more than once and every single time I refused to cooperate. I rebelled. It would have been different if I CHOSE to go there, wanting it but I just wasn't ready yet and forcing it on me made me feel like I lost even more control. That is why I have my eating disorder, to feel in control of something.. When I was at laureate they made me eat meat...I haven't touched for meat for 3 years, I cried everytime they places meat in front of me. Then the tech saw me and took me outside so I didn't upset the other girls and I told her what was wrong. Eating meat is not an eating disorder behavior, at least for me. I dont eat it because I see the little animals I had to dissect in 9th grade. Dara (the tech) told me to talk to Mollie (my dietician) and to fight for my morals...I said I tried they flat out told me that I had to do it...im sorry you dont think I will stop eating meat when I get back home, setting me up for a restricting diet again and that lead into more? Needless to say, the day I was discharged is the day I relapsed. I also think of force feeding. I had a tube in more than I can count on my hands. It was dreadful. It was pure torture. I know I know I needed it blah blah blah but being forced into anything, isn't exactly a joy ride. I feel weak. That I can't stand up for myself, my morals. I feel like I allow it to happen.

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