"Love"

Ughh. When I see it, hear it., say it I cringe. Love is hard for me. It's hard to open myself up to it. It's even harder to feel others love me. I have a dad who doesnt love me at all, so because of that, I dont think anyone can. I mean who doesn't love their child? Something is wrong me, Im lacking in that area, and I dont know why or how to fix it. Even today, we went to see my grandmom in the hospital and my dad was there. I saw he was there before we got to the room (have to sign in) and my heart started racing and I had a panic attack. My aunt calmed me down. I shouldnt have that reaction when I know i will bump into my dad. But we walked in the room and all he said, "Oh we were just leaving" and left. No hi or bye. Just left. (he was only there for 10 mins visiting her). Anyway...

When I was at Laureate they tried to help me with this problem. Not so much by saying it is me, but for showing me. Its just very hard to accept that anyone would love or care about me. The one night tech brought me a blanket. She said, "I know you are always cold, and I thought you would like it. you are the only one without a blanket from home. So here is one from my home" It was nice of her, and I really liked her and I know she was trying to show me she cared but when I was there nobody could love me. I was insane. I was having flashbacks and I was delusional. I make it hard for anyone to love me.

Sad thing is, it's the one thing I desperately want, need, crave for. But one thing I will never have or be able to feel. Hell I don't even love myself.