Monday, June 25, 2012

"Forgiveness"

Something I try to do but i am not very successful at. A lot of people tell me I hold grudges and I am a bitch about it. I dont mean to hold onto things in the past, its just how I work. You hurt me, I put a wall up so I dont get hurt again, so I dont look like an idiot again. I try to forgive and forget I guess the forgetting part is hard for me, which makes the whole forgiving part hard too.

My team at treatment (each center I went to) have all told me that I am pissed at my mom. Now this, is one that I dont understand. I dont feel mad at her. I feel close with her, I dont know why I give that vibe that, but my current therapist says its because 1. She didn't protect me the way I felt she needed to from my dad and 2. If she didnt have an affair that maybe I would have experienced what it feels like to have my parents together.

Now my dad, I dont think I could ever forgive him. Yet I want to so desperately that it almost killed me. He abused me and he left me. Now he ignores me, like I am not his child, its either that or another beating. I want to forgive him but how can you if they keep doing the same things to hurt you over and over again?


Things that happened with my sister and my friends, I try harder to forgive because they are little things. They still hurt me but its not like my life was in danger with them. I still have a wall up with them though.

Now my molestor and my ex. I dont think I will forgive or forget. It still wracks my brain how I didnt know about my ex having a family, how I was so stupid, how he made me feel and how he was my eating disorder in person. Which is why I stayed with him because he was the only one agreeing on the things I tell myself in my head. He has hurt me, he has taken something from me that I will never get back. And he doesnt even care. He lied to me, to my face and he lied about me.

So ive been hurt many of times, and im scared of getting hurt again in the same way so I guess that is why its hard to forgive others why should I if I get hurt and disappointed again and again. Like that saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"

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