Inspirational Journal Week 29

Things  I have done that  I can now laugh about.


I remember when  I was younger, maybe 7 I went out to the park with my dad and sister. There was this concrete hill. That I kept sliding down on. My dad yelled at me to stop because I would get hurt (yeah who would think he cares about me getting hurt right? haha) well the stubborn little girl  I was, I didn't. I don't know how many times I would slide down it but  I do remember leaving the park with my shorts ripped and the red scratches on butt peeking through....

Another time, my sister was babysitting me. She was maybe 10. Well she wasn't paying attention and I cut my bangs...it didn't look to good haha.

Then when I was maybe 13ish. My sister was harrassing me for about a month telling me to say "She won't" with her fist up in the air. I kept saying no. Leave me alone, but I finally got tired of it and said "Fine you won't" Well she did....She punched me right in the face and gave me a black eye. And she didn't get in trouble because  I told her she could...


One time  I wanted to run away...but I wanted to know that they cared. So I waited for my mom to get home to tell her that  I was  leaving.  I had my little suitcase packed, my mom told me no that I needed to stay home and opened my suitcase to not find clothes but to find all of my toys haha I was like 6-7

Two years ago I was in a treatment center. Laureate, which is in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I have never been to OK before,  nor do I know anyone who lives there (well now I do because of the center was local for a lot of girls there) Well one night, I was taking my allowed 15 min walk...The girl who was with me (always needed someone with you) was on the phone. So I ran for it. I had no idea where I was going or what  I would do. I just knew I didn't want to be in treatment anymore. I went through the woods there and somehow lost a shoe and tore my pants pretty bad. The center kept calling me. But  I refused to answer. Then I picked up when the girl I was walking with called me. She was my buddy...I picked up crying saying  I dont know why I did it but I was done. She said she knew but there are other ways to leave treatment. haha after about 6 hours and a hour long phone call I described where I was and they found me and brought me back.

I have done a lot of stupid things, especially when it comes to my ed and it's just like "why?" haha

Inspirational Journal-Week 28

where you'd be if you were not stuck in your Ed/ or where you hope to reach after you've overcome?

I would be finishing college this year. I would hope that  I would be living somewhere else, not relying on my family the way  I am right now.  I would want to be in the process of getting married and starting my own family. I would want to be looking for my career. I would have gone to schools and given lectures on my story and on the road to hopefully helping others get through this fight too. If  I didn't go into treatment the year I did I would have been the secretary for the student counsling program (A place to talk-aka APTT) at Penn State. 

But if  I wasn't stuck right now or if  I overcame it, I wouldn't have met the people I have, I wouldn't have known that  I can be accepted for who  I am, not who I pretend to be. That not everyone is out to get me. That  I can be cared about. That  I can trust people. I would not have learned that things  I I did about myself. Don't get me wrong,  I hate the lies my head constantly tells me, but I am grateful for being sick, because of those reasons alone.

Inspirational Journal-Week 27

If you could have any superpower, what would it be, and what would you do with it?

When I first saw this I thought of being able to make all the pain/ hurt/ bad things go away. But then I sat and thought, if we didn't have those bad things, how would we be able to appricate the good things? If nobody got sick, we wouldn't have faith. If nobody died, we wouldn't know love or pain .If we didn't have terrorism we wouldn't know unity.  If nobody was robbed, homeless, or cheated, we would take things for granted. If nobody was abused, we wouldn't know protection. For every bad thing out there, there is a good thing that comes from it...

So then I thought, of reading minds. Not to be selfish, but to be able to know who would really be there for me, who I can count on and who to protect myself from. To know how what people think of me, to know if i'm cared about. Know what will help others and when to shut up. But then I don't think I would be the person  I am today. Would I use this power to my advanage, would that make me a fake? I mean I am not crazy for the person I am, I don't like my past, and I would want to change some things but then I wouldn't be the person I am today. I don't want to be anyone else. I want to be me, whoever the hell that is. I want true friends, I don't want friends because I tell them what they want to hear, because frankly somethings they want to hear is wrong and I don't want to engage in that...

Honestly, I sit here and think of things of powers I would want, but I see bad things coming from them as well. So I can honestly say that I don't want a super power. (I just want to be a super human hehe)