"Home"

Speaking of home...Im going! Im finalllllly going home on July 1st. I haven't been home for almost 4 years. Between being in treatment and my mom setting the boundry that I can't be home if im still in my eating disorder. My mom talked to my therapist and agreed it's what I need right now, doing tough love with an eating disordered person doesn't work, it makes it a lot worse...so learning that I was going home I jumped right into recovery. Well not completely. I am still restricting and exercising but im keeping it in for the most part. I have purge once in the last month and a half. My restricting isnt that bad, i mean its still a behavior but at least im eating everyday now.

Now being home is a good but scary thing. Good because I get to see my dog, Im around friends, I have my own place. Bad because I am not able to be alone...and my mom tends to take control which yall know that isnt a good thing. They also put a lot of expecations on me. Hopefully this time is okay though because my therapist has talked to my mom. So maybe she will back off a little.

For the past 4 years I have felt like I dont have a home. When I got out of treatment within a month I was kicked out. I moved in with a friend, which was great for ed...but horrible for me. She had anger issues and it was extreme. I was always scared of saying/doing something around her. She also took control. One time she told me "You will break up with Art, and you will eat deserts everynight" Hearing that I was out the door. Then back to treatment then out to my aunts 3 hours away from home. I have a room and everything but its not my room. Im scared of touching things because they arent mine to touch. Of course I have visited home but even there I dont feel like I belong anymore. My room has become a storage room and I just dont feel welcomed. Everytime I went to visit I refused to sleep in my room because it didnt feel like mine...

Home is a big value of mine. To feel welcomed. To feel like its where you belong. Hopefully this all works out...