Goals
1. Go back to school.
2. Move back home
3. Get license.
4. .Get my own apartment
5. Lose 10 more pounds (yea yea i know hi ed)
6. Follow my meal plan (but without obsessing over measuring this time)
Ehh that's long enough right? I actaully was going to skip this week I first started writing I was drawing a blank. I just am having a really hard time in holding onto hope and seeing myself recovering and moving on from this. And I know I cant get my goals if I am still stuck in ed...
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Inspirational Journal-Week Sixteen
Giving....
To me, the things that don't seem to matter are the best gifts. I don't NEED what I want. I don't need an ipod or a dog or money or whatever it is. To me, being there for someone, willing to have a listening ear even if it is repeated, to give advice. to let me have a safe place to talk. to not be judged. to be accepted.to get loyalty. to feel love and be cared about. to be good enough in your eyes...those are things I need and want. But the things I have a hard time finding. and once I see a person who can give these things to me there is no letting go of them .I sink my claws in and I depend on them to get my needs met. I know it's not fair but I don't know any other way to get it. Not with my head telling me that I am unworthy of love and being cared about unless they have a reason for them to worry...
The biggest gift someone can give me is listening to me, even if it take all day and I make no sense and I repeat everything I say. It means more to me than you realize..
As for me, I like giving what I like receiving. I try my best (though I will somewhat admit ed gets in the away at times) I try to be there for others. To listen to what they have to say. To really listen, to understand where they are coming come. to be able to give them feedback and look back and say, "I know I have Stefanie" I would like to be the person that people can rely on. (that is where ed gets in the way. I will be there the most that I can be but my brain gets a little foggy and doesnt think clearly-obviously)
To me, the things that don't seem to matter are the best gifts. I don't NEED what I want. I don't need an ipod or a dog or money or whatever it is. To me, being there for someone, willing to have a listening ear even if it is repeated, to give advice. to let me have a safe place to talk. to not be judged. to be accepted.to get loyalty. to feel love and be cared about. to be good enough in your eyes...those are things I need and want. But the things I have a hard time finding. and once I see a person who can give these things to me there is no letting go of them .I sink my claws in and I depend on them to get my needs met. I know it's not fair but I don't know any other way to get it. Not with my head telling me that I am unworthy of love and being cared about unless they have a reason for them to worry...The biggest gift someone can give me is listening to me, even if it take all day and I make no sense and I repeat everything I say. It means more to me than you realize..As for me, I like giving what I like receiving. I try my best (though I will somewhat admit ed gets in the away at times) I try to be there for others. To listen to what they have to say. To really listen, to understand where they are coming come. to be able to give them feedback and look back and say, "I know I have Stefanie" I would like to be the person that people can rely on. (that is where ed gets in the way. I will be there the most that I can be but my brain gets a little foggy and doesnt think clearly-obviously)
Inspirational Journal-Week Fifteen
Higher Power...
Seriously this catching up with my blog is hard. All hard topics.
My God, my higher power, whatever you want to call it...
I know it's there but it's not there for me. Like I am the exception. It works for everyone else BUT me. It has everyone's back BUT mine... I know it's crazy but it's hard to believe that something is looking out for me when I had my life experiences and if I am still struggling with this ed, after 8 years.
I want to believe and I do believe for others. just not me.
Well I guess I shouldn't say all the time. I know I have had moments when I text my sponsor saying I had an "ahh" moment when I realize that something just took care of me. sometimes she has to point those moments out but I guess I do have them. Like when I want to purge but don't want to purge...something happens so I can't like someone else will be in the bathroom or something. I think something was behind me when I saw my first (horrible) therapist but she is the one who led me to my ABA group, which led me to my amazing sponsor.
I guess it's just hard having hope, having faith when you have lived the way I have lived. Which I feel bad for saying, but according to my current therapist is completely normal to feel the way I do when someone struggles with any type of addiction.
It'r hard for me to think of something is there when I can't see it or feel it. I mean I know ed I can't see but I feel him. I hear him. (yes it is a him haha) I know he is there
I guess I need hardcore proof that it is there for me. .. Until then I guess my feelings on this will remain the same.
Seriously this catching up with my blog is hard. All hard topics.
My God, my higher power, whatever you want to call it...
I know it's there but it's not there for me. Like I am the exception. It works for everyone else BUT me. It has everyone's back BUT mine... I know it's crazy but it's hard to believe that something is looking out for me when I had my life experiences and if I am still struggling with this ed, after 8 years.
I want to believe and I do believe for others. just not me.
Well I guess I shouldn't say all the time. I know I have had moments when I text my sponsor saying I had an "ahh" moment when I realize that something just took care of me. sometimes she has to point those moments out but I guess I do have them. Like when I want to purge but don't want to purge...something happens so I can't like someone else will be in the bathroom or something. I think something was behind me when I saw my first (horrible) therapist but she is the one who led me to my ABA group, which led me to my amazing sponsor.
I guess it's just hard having hope, having faith when you have lived the way I have lived. Which I feel bad for saying, but according to my current therapist is completely normal to feel the way I do when someone struggles with any type of addiction.
It'r hard for me to think of something is there when I can't see it or feel it. I mean I know ed I can't see but I feel him. I hear him. (yes it is a him haha) I know he is there
I guess I need hardcore proof that it is there for me. .. Until then I guess my feelings on this will remain the same.
Inspirational Journal-Week Fourteen
Giving thanks
Well I guess I give thanks to giving me the opportunties to going into treatment. For giving me the people I have met. The girls that help me get through the day for my sponsor.
I don't know what to say, I am trying to be positive but I want to be honest.
I hate the life I am living. I am not living and frankly I would rather be dead than to go through this fight everyday/all day.
I feel like I was punished right from the moment I was born. Into a dysnfunctional family. I guess I could give thanks to things not being as bad as they could be.
Well I guess I give thanks to giving me the opportunties to going into treatment. For giving me the people I have met. The girls that help me get through the day for my sponsor.
I don't know what to say, I am trying to be positive but I want to be honest.
I hate the life I am living. I am not living and frankly I would rather be dead than to go through this fight everyday/all day.
I feel like I was punished right from the moment I was born. Into a dysnfunctional family. I guess I could give thanks to things not being as bad as they could be.
Inspirational Journal-Week Thirteen
Forgiveness....
oh man another hard one for me =/
I have an extremely hard time forgiving others. I feel like if they are able to hurt me once, they are able to ruin me. After a person hurts you its very hard to "get over it" and press forward I mean I do it anymore but while I am still pushing down me being hurt/mad/upset with them. You know my handy mask comes on and covers everything. But I tend to hold grudges. You hurt me, Ill let you back in but not in the same way I am more cautious more protected so if it happens again it doesn't hit me as hard...
I def need to forgive my dad. I need to come to realize that my dad is just as sick as I am with a different addiction. and that he just isn't able to be there the way I need or want. I need to let go of his decision of leaving me and going after his dreams of living in the mountains. I need to forgive him of the many times I was hit again he was sick/is sick.. When you are in your disease you don't think clearly you dont do what you normally would. So I HAVE to make myself believe that it was his addiction doing it not him. I know for me, I am def not the same person if I am in my ED verses when im not.
I also need to forgive my mom. Everyone tells me that I am so pissed off at her and I don't know why. The only thing that comes to my mom is her cheating on my "dad" I feel like I missed an experience that everyone has and I just never had my parents together while I was alive. To witness you mom and dad not hating each other. But then I dont know if I blame her I mean he was violent and drunk all the time and I don't really know what happened I was only a few months old when they divorced. So how can I be so mad at someone when I don't even know the truth? I know I get frustrated with my mom very easily, when she doesn't understand where I am coming. I know she can't but it just annoys the hell out of me. Other than that...why am I so "pissed at her" I have no idea.
I need to forgive all the people who have left me. Still hurts and I need to let go. I have to realize that MAYBE it wasn't me. MAYBE they were going through something and couldnt be there for me or they needed to leave to take care of themselves. STILL HURTS LIKE HELL BUT GET OVER IT ALREADY
I need to forgive Art for lying to me. For being sneaky and making me look bad. For taking something away from me that I will never get back. For making me lose all respect for myself. He took more away from me that he will ever realize.
I need to forgive Cole...done not going into details about this one
And finally, I need to forgive myself. BIG TIME. and it's weird actaully saying this but I do beat myself up for being sick. which gives me an excuse for being sick. I have to realize that I have a disease. a cunning, baffeling, destroying disease. I don't want to lie and be sneaky. I dont want to do the things I do or have done. But I am sick. I have to be gentle on myself. It doesn't make it okay, but I guess in a way it does. Not saying the things I do is okay because im sick but i just have to not beat myself up for them...sorry kinda a whirlwind.
oh man another hard one for me =/
I have an extremely hard time forgiving others. I feel like if they are able to hurt me once, they are able to ruin me. After a person hurts you its very hard to "get over it" and press forward I mean I do it anymore but while I am still pushing down me being hurt/mad/upset with them. You know my handy mask comes on and covers everything. But I tend to hold grudges. You hurt me, Ill let you back in but not in the same way I am more cautious more protected so if it happens again it doesn't hit me as hard...
I def need to forgive my dad. I need to come to realize that my dad is just as sick as I am with a different addiction. and that he just isn't able to be there the way I need or want. I need to let go of his decision of leaving me and going after his dreams of living in the mountains. I need to forgive him of the many times I was hit again he was sick/is sick.. When you are in your disease you don't think clearly you dont do what you normally would. So I HAVE to make myself believe that it was his addiction doing it not him. I know for me, I am def not the same person if I am in my ED verses when im not.
I also need to forgive my mom. Everyone tells me that I am so pissed off at her and I don't know why. The only thing that comes to my mom is her cheating on my "dad" I feel like I missed an experience that everyone has and I just never had my parents together while I was alive. To witness you mom and dad not hating each other. But then I dont know if I blame her I mean he was violent and drunk all the time and I don't really know what happened I was only a few months old when they divorced. So how can I be so mad at someone when I don't even know the truth? I know I get frustrated with my mom very easily, when she doesn't understand where I am coming. I know she can't but it just annoys the hell out of me. Other than that...why am I so "pissed at her" I have no idea.
I need to forgive all the people who have left me. Still hurts and I need to let go. I have to realize that MAYBE it wasn't me. MAYBE they were going through something and couldnt be there for me or they needed to leave to take care of themselves. STILL HURTS LIKE HELL BUT GET OVER IT ALREADY
I need to forgive Art for lying to me. For being sneaky and making me look bad. For taking something away from me that I will never get back. For making me lose all respect for myself. He took more away from me that he will ever realize.
I need to forgive Cole...done not going into details about this one
And finally, I need to forgive myself. BIG TIME. and it's weird actaully saying this but I do beat myself up for being sick. which gives me an excuse for being sick. I have to realize that I have a disease. a cunning, baffeling, destroying disease. I don't want to lie and be sneaky. I dont want to do the things I do or have done. But I am sick. I have to be gentle on myself. It doesn't make it okay, but I guess in a way it does. Not saying the things I do is okay because im sick but i just have to not beat myself up for them...sorry kinda a whirlwind.
Inspirational Journal-Week Twelve
The ones in my life. The ones who have stuck by me the entire time.
1. My sponsor. I can't express enough how much this woman means to me. She literally has been there since the day I have met her. Sure she has a crazy busy schedule but if I was in any danger I know she would be there. She's not just my sponsor, she's a friend, a support, a big sister, a mother, she's a person I can go to about anything. And nothing changes..her judgements on that is. Gosh this woman. I put her through hell and back. We have faught, we have cried we have ignored each other, we have screamed, we have given attitude but we also have opened up, shared our stories, offered advice, a shoulder to cry on, hugs. I can't count how many times she has had a conversation with my ed, not me, ed. Where ed took control and yelled and said mean things cried and had a hissy fit. She was there just like the times when I was motivated and when I have all these questions. She has always been there for everything. She came to visit when I was in treatment at Renfrew, She has driven me to groups when I had no other way of getting there, she has taken me to the hospital and stayed with me, she has talked to me in the middle of the night, she made me meals that was still restricting but still overwhelming and sat there for 3 hours until I was able to finish it. I know I get frustrated at times because she has a busy schedule but I know she is there. I know I can always text or call her about anything...seriously whenever something goes wrong ed related or not I go to her. I know that is not her role but she is still there to support me in anyway she can. She isn't going anywhere.(i dont think). She is one that I can honestly say that I fully 100% trust and has the best interests for me at heart.
Honestly, she is the only person I can say who has been there for everything...When I was sick and when I was healthy. I can't say that about anyone else. not even family. My dad hasn't been in my life. My mom I know she cares but the time I needed her the most is the time she told me to get out of the house. I think she wants to be there but she is just too consumed with making her boyfriend happy and i HATE saying that but its how I feel. Honestly if she had to save one and we were both in danger I think she would go to him first. And I dont want to think that way but I do.
I can go on and give you a list of people who have been there but they left, and I don't think that was the topic for this post. =P
1. My sponsor. I can't express enough how much this woman means to me. She literally has been there since the day I have met her. Sure she has a crazy busy schedule but if I was in any danger I know she would be there. She's not just my sponsor, she's a friend, a support, a big sister, a mother, she's a person I can go to about anything. And nothing changes..her judgements on that is. Gosh this woman. I put her through hell and back. We have faught, we have cried we have ignored each other, we have screamed, we have given attitude but we also have opened up, shared our stories, offered advice, a shoulder to cry on, hugs. I can't count how many times she has had a conversation with my ed, not me, ed. Where ed took control and yelled and said mean things cried and had a hissy fit. She was there just like the times when I was motivated and when I have all these questions. She has always been there for everything. She came to visit when I was in treatment at Renfrew, She has driven me to groups when I had no other way of getting there, she has taken me to the hospital and stayed with me, she has talked to me in the middle of the night, she made me meals that was still restricting but still overwhelming and sat there for 3 hours until I was able to finish it. I know I get frustrated at times because she has a busy schedule but I know she is there. I know I can always text or call her about anything...seriously whenever something goes wrong ed related or not I go to her. I know that is not her role but she is still there to support me in anyway she can. She isn't going anywhere.(i dont think). She is one that I can honestly say that I fully 100% trust and has the best interests for me at heart.Honestly, she is the only person I can say who has been there for everything...When I was sick and when I was healthy. I can't say that about anyone else. not even family. My dad hasn't been in my life. My mom I know she cares but the time I needed her the most is the time she told me to get out of the house. I think she wants to be there but she is just too consumed with making her boyfriend happy and i HATE saying that but its how I feel. Honestly if she had to save one and we were both in danger I think she would go to him first. And I dont want to think that way but I do.
I can go on and give you a list of people who have been there but they left, and I don't think that was the topic for this post. =P
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Inspirational Journal-Week Eleven
Why do you want recovery?
Well this is extemely difficult for me at the moment. I think i'm on a teeter totter with this one too. I want it but I don't. Somedays I can be beyond motivated, other days i don't want to be bothered. I guess this wanting it/not wanting it is a battle between Ed and I. I can list so many more reason of not wanting it, so i guess that means Ed is still behind the wheel. Though there are a few things why I do want it which is ...
1. I will be able to get approved to go back to school and finish college. If I am still sick and still not approved obviously I can't graduate college and it's been two years now that I have not been in school. which leads into-
2. I will be able to get the job I want...which ironically is working in a treatment center for eating disorders. Not only will I not be able to have this job without my degree but I also can't help other girls in the center if it is clear that I am being a hypocrite...
3. To stop getting seizures so I can drive and be independent.
4. To not have people breath down my back when i eat/after i eat (ummm hi there ed hehe)
5. To be able to focus on other things other than calories and food. So I can partcipate more with my friends and actaully be there for them. To be able to engage in a conversation, rather than just act like I am there in the moment hearing EVERY word they say.
6. NO MORE DEPRESSION????? (the whole "Im not good enough" feeling would be an awesome experience of not having it one time)
7. To not live this life anymore. I mean again I can list reasons why I can't get better yet, what makes me hold on to it. But honestly these past 8 years...what have i done with my life? sure I finished high school, but I was never allowed out to have fun with my friends. I always had to stay in and perfect my homework/projects and study for hours because God forbid I get a 99% instead of a 100%. ( A number one rule I had to follow from ed) The past two years I have been in hospitals and treatment centers. I have had people leave. I have had feeding tubes, I have had to lie, sneak around, steal, isolate. I have numerous medical complications i'm 22. If this is my life only after 8 years of this disease, where the hell is it going to be in another 8, 20, 30, etc...
Well this is extemely difficult for me at the moment. I think i'm on a teeter totter with this one too. I want it but I don't. Somedays I can be beyond motivated, other days i don't want to be bothered. I guess this wanting it/not wanting it is a battle between Ed and I. I can list so many more reason of not wanting it, so i guess that means Ed is still behind the wheel. Though there are a few things why I do want it which is ...
1. I will be able to get approved to go back to school and finish college. If I am still sick and still not approved obviously I can't graduate college and it's been two years now that I have not been in school. which leads into-
2. I will be able to get the job I want...which ironically is working in a treatment center for eating disorders. Not only will I not be able to have this job without my degree but I also can't help other girls in the center if it is clear that I am being a hypocrite...
3. To stop getting seizures so I can drive and be independent.
4. To not have people breath down my back when i eat/after i eat (ummm hi there ed hehe)
5. To be able to focus on other things other than calories and food. So I can partcipate more with my friends and actaully be there for them. To be able to engage in a conversation, rather than just act like I am there in the moment hearing EVERY word they say.
6. NO MORE DEPRESSION????? (the whole "Im not good enough" feeling would be an awesome experience of not having it one time)
7. To not live this life anymore. I mean again I can list reasons why I can't get better yet, what makes me hold on to it. But honestly these past 8 years...what have i done with my life? sure I finished high school, but I was never allowed out to have fun with my friends. I always had to stay in and perfect my homework/projects and study for hours because God forbid I get a 99% instead of a 100%. ( A number one rule I had to follow from ed) The past two years I have been in hospitals and treatment centers. I have had people leave. I have had feeding tubes, I have had to lie, sneak around, steal, isolate. I have numerous medical complications i'm 22. If this is my life only after 8 years of this disease, where the hell is it going to be in another 8, 20, 30, etc...
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