Inspirational Journal-Week Thirteen

Forgiveness....
oh man another hard one for me =/

I have an extremely hard time forgiving others. I feel like if they are able to hurt me once, they are able to ruin me. After a person hurts you its very hard to "get over it" and press forward I mean I do it anymore but while I am still pushing down me being hurt/mad/upset with them. You know my handy mask comes on and covers everything. But I tend to hold grudges. You hurt me, Ill let you back in but not in the same way I am more cautious more protected so if it happens again it doesn't hit me as hard...

I def need to forgive my dad. I need to come to realize that my dad is just as sick as I am with a different addiction. and that he just isn't able to be there the way I need or want. I need to let go of his decision of leaving me and going after his dreams of living in the mountains. I need to forgive him of the many times I was hit again he was sick/is sick.. When you are in your disease you don't think clearly you dont do what you normally would. So I HAVE to make myself believe that it was his addiction doing it not him. I know for me, I am def not the same person if I am in my ED verses when im not.

I also need to forgive my mom. Everyone tells me that I am so pissed off at her and I don't know why. The only thing that comes to my mom is her cheating on my "dad" I feel like I missed an experience that everyone has and I just never had my parents together while I was alive. To witness you mom and dad not hating each other. But then I dont know if I blame her I mean he was violent and drunk all the time and I don't really know what happened I was only a few months old when they divorced. So how can I be so mad at someone when I don't even know the truth? I know I get frustrated with my mom very easily, when she doesn't understand where I am coming. I know she can't but it just annoys the hell out of me. Other than that...why am I so "pissed at her" I have no idea.

I need to forgive all the people who have left me. Still hurts and I need to let go. I have to realize that MAYBE it wasn't me. MAYBE they were going through something and couldnt be there for me or they needed to leave to take care of themselves. STILL HURTS LIKE HELL BUT GET OVER IT ALREADY

I need to forgive Art for lying to me. For being sneaky and making me look bad. For taking something away from me that  I will never get back. For making me lose all respect for myself. He took more away from me that he will ever realize.

I need to forgive Cole...done not going into details about this one

And finally, I need to forgive myself. BIG TIME. and it's weird actaully saying this but I do beat myself up for being sick. which gives me an excuse for being sick. I have to realize that I have a disease. a cunning, baffeling, destroying disease. I don't want to lie  and be sneaky. I dont want to do the things I do or have done. But I am sick. I have to be gentle on myself. It doesn't make it okay, but I guess in a way it does. Not saying the things I do is okay because im sick but i just have to not beat myself up for them...sorry kinda a whirlwind.