Higher Power...
Seriously this catching up with my blog is hard. All hard topics.
My God, my higher power, whatever you want to call it...
I know it's there but it's not there for me. Like I am the exception. It works for everyone else BUT me. It has everyone's back BUT mine... I know it's crazy but it's hard to believe that something is looking out for me when I had my life experiences and if I am still struggling with this ed, after 8 years.
I want to believe and I do believe for others. just not me.
Well I guess I shouldn't say all the time. I know I have had moments when I text my sponsor saying I had an "ahh" moment when I realize that something just took care of me. sometimes she has to point those moments out but I guess I do have them. Like when I want to purge but don't want to purge...something happens so I can't like someone else will be in the bathroom or something. I think something was behind me when I saw my first (horrible) therapist but she is the one who led me to my ABA group, which led me to my amazing sponsor.
I guess it's just hard having hope, having faith when you have lived the way I have lived. Which I feel bad for saying, but according to my current therapist is completely normal to feel the way I do when someone struggles with any type of addiction.
It'r hard for me to think of something is there when I can't see it or feel it. I mean I know ed I can't see but I feel him. I hear him. (yes it is a him haha) I know he is there
I guess I need hardcore proof that it is there for me. .. Until then I guess my feelings on this will remain the same.
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