Inspirational Journal-Week Eleven

Why do you want recovery?

Well this is extemely difficult for me at the moment. I think i'm on a teeter totter with this one too. I want it but I don't. Somedays  I can be beyond motivated, other days i don't want to be bothered. I guess this wanting it/not wanting it is a battle between Ed and I. I can list so many more reason of not wanting it, so i guess that means Ed is still behind the wheel. Though there are a few things why I do want it which is ...

1. I will be able to get approved to go back to school and finish college. If I am still sick and still not approved obviously I can't graduate college and it's been two years now that I have not been in school. which leads into-


2. I will be able to get the job I want...which ironically is working in a treatment center for eating disorders. Not only will I not be able to have this job without my degree but I also can't help other girls in the center if it is clear that I am being a hypocrite...


3. To stop getting seizures so I can drive and be independent.


4. To not have people breath down my back when i eat/after i eat (ummm hi there ed hehe)


5. To be able to focus on other things other than calories and food. So I can partcipate more with my friends and actaully be there for them. To be able to engage in a conversation, rather than just act like I am there in the moment hearing EVERY word they say.


6. NO MORE DEPRESSION????? (the whole "Im not good enough" feeling would be an awesome experience of not having it one time)

7. To not live this life anymore. I mean again I can list reasons why I can't get better yet, what makes me hold on to it. But honestly these past 8 years...what have i done with my life? sure I finished high school, but I was never allowed out to have fun with my friends. I always had to stay in and perfect my homework/projects and study for hours because God forbid I get a 99% instead of a 100%. ( A number one rule I had to follow from ed)  The past two years I have been in hospitals and treatment centers. I have had people leave. I have had feeding tubes, I have had to lie, sneak around, steal, isolate. I have numerous medical complications i'm 22. If this is my life only after 8 years of this disease, where the hell is it going to be in another 8, 20, 30, etc...