Inspirational Journal-Week Eight

FEARS....

I honestly don't even know where to start. So ill do a list...

1. GAINING WEIGHT/GETTING FAT/LIFE WITHOUT ED
         For some reason this is for sure my number one. Who would I be with ed. If I gained weight or got fat, nobody would care because they have no reason to ask me how I am or to think of me from time to time. Hell I don't even know who I am or how I am, Ed tells me and what am I going to do if nobody is steering for me?What if people don't like me, what if I don't like me? Do I really want to find out? See ed protects me, it numbs me out so i don't know who I am therefore; I dont know if i like myself. The unknowns are very scary a lot of "if's" and I don't like "if's" I like facts. something set in stone. something you can rely on. I hate surprises and I hate guessing. What if you're wrong???

2. Never recovering
         Yet at the same time, what if I live this way for the rest of my life? I will have no family because nobody wants to deal with a sneaky anorexic. I will still not be able to finish school and to get the job I want. I won't get married or have kids and buy my own nice big house.I don't want to be alone. I already am. I want to get married but what if they make me stop. I dont want to be forced to stop. I can't be. I won't be able to drive because my health is already pretty screwed up so imagine what it would be years from now. Everyday, waking up thinking about how many calories I will eat today and how many I burn or purge and obsessing with my body. I have dont that for eight years already I don't want to do it for the rest of my life...

3. Ghosts/Death
      It weird that I am actaully terrified of dying when I attempted to kill myself and is still sometimes a thought in my head. I'm not sure if it's actually dying or who I would be leaving behind-well the ones who would notice... or nobody nobody noticing. Just moving on without blinking an eye, of course I wouldn't know...Maybe it is dying, I'm already in pain, sure it's emotional but I don't want my last moments in life to be in physical pain. And yes ghosts. I do believe my house is haunted. I swear I am not totally crazy but I did hear my name being called when I was the only one home. And I had a music globe that decided to play everynight at the same time-when everyone was sleeping...I just don't want to see them I don't care if they are  there but I would really rather not see or hear them. it freaks me out.

4. Being Alone/Being crowded
   Again I know black and white thinking. I don't want to be alone in life. I mean moments are fine but I want to have people there for me emotionally and physically. I want to have a life. I don't want to be by myself. Then at the same time, what if someone is always there and they MAKE me stop my ed. or they make comments.  or whatever....

5. Not being Good Enough/Being Hurt
   The whole not being good enough thing is big in my family. I am always compared. Why haven't I gotten better yet, why did I only dance for 3 hours instead of 4 Why did I get a 98% instead of 100%?. I am always judged. I am always criticized. I feel like I am never good enough. All everyone sees are my flaws instead of my attempts. Being Hurt hmm yea well I've been hurt in more than one way and I am still scared of it. I don't think my mind or my heart can last it being injured anymore. For example-finding out who my biological father is...I want to know but what if this drunk isn't then I went through that abuse for nothing and I treated Bill like crap because of a false belief??? Then if he is, well then why does he want nothing to do with me? What did I do for him not to want me in his life?