Inspirational Journal-Week 22

Where do I keep my emotions?

I want to say my head but I guess that is obvious and not what this topic meant haha.

Well I don't know, but I am assuming my chest area because lately with all the emotions I have been feeling I have been getting a lot of chest pains. I mean nothing major just like a dull aching pain, kind of how I feel in my head. If that makes sense? My head is going crazy and im hurt. scared. mad. upset...feels like I am broken. Not my heart, just me. And no matter how many times you put me pack together there is always this small piece missing, and nobody is ever able to seem to find that piece. That small piece is what holds everything together, without it, it will just fall apart again. it has to be whole. It's like a chair missing a leg, it needs all four legs to be able to stand straight up, if you only have 3 legs it will tip and fall over when pressure is on it. Or like a crumpled piece of paper. You can try to straighten it and flatten it back out but there will always be the creases on it.

I tend to wear my emotions. I don't feel them. (well im starting to) but I always wore it. Maybe not in my face but it was always showing if you looked. I always have a smile on so I use my body. I told my therapist one time that  I can't show her how much pain I am in, I have to show her. That is all I know. I told her that when I lost weight and more and more to a point where I am clearly disgusting someone knows something is wrong. They might not know what is wrong but they know something is just not right. I also cut. Whenever I feel anger I cut. I refuse to be an angry person and violent like my father so when I feel any form of anger, even if it is frustration I am terrified of losing control and being just like my dad. I know what it feels like to be hurt. And I couldnt bare do that to anyone else so I take the violence out on me instead. I hurt myself just IN CASE I am like him...

Okay I went off a bit hahah.