When I think of this word. I think of people who have fought, who have battled, who lost and who won.
All the people who fight for our freedom, who protect us. Thank you!
Kelly Becker (miss you girl)
Jenni Schaefer
Shannon Cutts
My sponsor Jen (congrats on 16 years of recovery!!!!)
Everyone I have met in treatment, and in support groups
Anyone who has struggled, overcame and lost to any illnesses
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
"Sincere"
The complete opposite of me. I am nothing but a fake. Always smiling, saying everything is great and everything will be okay, when it won't be. I am a fraud. I really feel like people are misguided.
Denise told me what she thinks of me and here is what I think. 1. You are smart...I study my ass off 2. You are determined...then why arent I better? 3. You are talented...I could always be better. You care about others...too much that I am overbearing.
Anyway, I am nothing great. I am merely existing, which even that I am not succeeding at right now. I wish I was more, I wish I was the things people say or feel about me, well used to say about me. I dont talk to anyone anymore for them to say stuff right now.
But I do like others who are sincere. I don't see much of them anymore. Everyone lies for what is better viewed in society. Everyone leaves. Everyone wears a mask at some time-which most people (including me) forget to take it off. I feel horrible saying nobody is sincere anymore but for me, my experience its the truth....
Denise told me what she thinks of me and here is what I think. 1. You are smart...I study my ass off 2. You are determined...then why arent I better? 3. You are talented...I could always be better. You care about others...too much that I am overbearing.
Anyway, I am nothing great. I am merely existing, which even that I am not succeeding at right now. I wish I was more, I wish I was the things people say or feel about me, well used to say about me. I dont talk to anyone anymore for them to say stuff right now.
But I do like others who are sincere. I don't see much of them anymore. Everyone lies for what is better viewed in society. Everyone leaves. Everyone wears a mask at some time-which most people (including me) forget to take it off. I feel horrible saying nobody is sincere anymore but for me, my experience its the truth....
Week 31
Something that makes me smile...
Right now not much. I am always smiling, I feel like I have to, but a real smile...where I dont even think about it, hasnt been there in a long time.
My grandmom made me smile today though. I asked her if she was in pain and she said, "Do I have something to say?" I said no I mean are you hurting? She then replied, "I love you" I just smiled and laughed for her not understanding or just really wanted me to let me know. I know she does, but at the same time most days anymore she doesnt even know who I am.
I have been pretty depressed lately. Okay, extremely depressed. I am trying to keep something I am looking forward to in the front of my mind. 1. Being home, and seeing my dog, seeing my friends, becoming independent. going back to school/work. But even all that is overwhelming for me.
I know this topic was suppose to be in a different direction but like I said I have been depressed so maybe ill rewrite it when im in a better place...
Right now not much. I am always smiling, I feel like I have to, but a real smile...where I dont even think about it, hasnt been there in a long time.
My grandmom made me smile today though. I asked her if she was in pain and she said, "Do I have something to say?" I said no I mean are you hurting? She then replied, "I love you" I just smiled and laughed for her not understanding or just really wanted me to let me know. I know she does, but at the same time most days anymore she doesnt even know who I am.
I have been pretty depressed lately. Okay, extremely depressed. I am trying to keep something I am looking forward to in the front of my mind. 1. Being home, and seeing my dog, seeing my friends, becoming independent. going back to school/work. But even all that is overwhelming for me.
I know this topic was suppose to be in a different direction but like I said I have been depressed so maybe ill rewrite it when im in a better place...
Monday, June 4, 2012
"Crazy"
I hate this word, yet I use it to describe myself, and the things I do. The thing I think, the things I do, The lies I tell myself, the things that click...I often feel like "a crazy person" I have gone to treatment in a pysch ward and fit right in...which proves I am crazy...But one thing, the other girls I was with in the center, who I fitted in with, I wouldn't say they were crazy, They were simply girls who struggled with self destructive behaviors. They were sick with mental illnesses. They were no crazy. Everyone has something they have to deal with, what makes one problem a crazy person and not the next person?
I am pretty sure my entire family considers me crazy. The things I have done with food, surely that would be proof that I am. I have done some pretty crazy things...But doing something doesnt make you. it doesnt define you. I am not crazy. I have a disease. It makes me do crazy things but I am not crazy. I am sick. There is a difference!!!
I am pretty sure my entire family considers me crazy. The things I have done with food, surely that would be proof that I am. I have done some pretty crazy things...But doing something doesnt make you. it doesnt define you. I am not crazy. I have a disease. It makes me do crazy things but I am not crazy. I am sick. There is a difference!!!
"Power"
Power is another thing that can be good and bad. If used in the right way it can be great; however, I only have the bad experiences...
The two things I think of is my dad, and my eating disorder.
My dad...he has complete power over me. He could say something and I would be lost for days. Lost in my misery, my own miserable little world trying to find a way out, trying to find a way to handle it, and the only thing is my eating disorder. He has more power over me than one. I have seen him standing over me, beaten on the ground, unable to move, to breath because of the never ending pain. How defeated he makes me feel. What I say or don't say in fear of upsetting him, causing his volcano to erupt. Scared all the time, even when he isn't around. Scared to do anything about it because it is your father and you love him, and despite his actions you know he is a kind person deep down and you would be able to see it if you were just good enough. The control he has for me to lie and hide from him/for him. The control he has to mold me into this completely other person who I should be.
My eating disorder...I would like to think I have power of it, but locially I know I don't. I know that if I act out then theres not point in stopping me, rather trying to stop me. But in the same sense if I dont act out that one time I feel like I am in control. Its that one time that send me spiraling back down. Not being able to get back up until I hit a new bottom.
The two things I think of is my dad, and my eating disorder.
My dad...he has complete power over me. He could say something and I would be lost for days. Lost in my misery, my own miserable little world trying to find a way out, trying to find a way to handle it, and the only thing is my eating disorder. He has more power over me than one. I have seen him standing over me, beaten on the ground, unable to move, to breath because of the never ending pain. How defeated he makes me feel. What I say or don't say in fear of upsetting him, causing his volcano to erupt. Scared all the time, even when he isn't around. Scared to do anything about it because it is your father and you love him, and despite his actions you know he is a kind person deep down and you would be able to see it if you were just good enough. The control he has for me to lie and hide from him/for him. The control he has to mold me into this completely other person who I should be.
My eating disorder...I would like to think I have power of it, but locially I know I don't. I know that if I act out then theres not point in stopping me, rather trying to stop me. But in the same sense if I dont act out that one time I feel like I am in control. Its that one time that send me spiraling back down. Not being able to get back up until I hit a new bottom.
"Invisible"
This word hits home with me lately. I feel invisible. Nobody sees or hears me because im just a nobody. I am just taking up space that no one else cares to recognize. I realize that I have these feelings because of the drama going on lately. The fact that my dad doesnt seem to know that I exist, but it's spreading. It's like a virus because my sister was up for a week and completely ignored me, when before she talked to my dad, we talked everyday. Then trying to find my voice and not one person seems to hear me. I could be in the center of the room screaming and everyone will still talk over me. Or flat out not care what I think, feel, do, say.
I know im not important. I am a nobody. I have not done anything with my life. I have accepted it, it would just be nice to not feel so transparent.
I am not depressed at the moment, but I can honestly say if I were to die tonight that not one person would notice. I have shut myself out of the world, in fear of more rejection. I have backed away from people I once talked to everyday. I don't hear from anyone anymore, unless I contact them. It's not a great feeling...to feel like nobody wants to bother with you to check in once in a while. To always take the responsibility and do it yourself so you aren't completely forgotten.
The sad thing (I have been working on this in therapy not quite there yet so bare with me), I feel like the only time people notice me is when I have done something wrong or when I am sick. Like I knew my dad knew I was around when he would throw a punch, give a kick, etc. Also being sick...everyone is so concerned when I am sick and when I am doing okay I don't hear from them. Period, not even asked how my day was. Which is why it is soooo hard to let go of my eating disorder. I am already faded without ed, I will be completely disappeared.
I know im not important. I am a nobody. I have not done anything with my life. I have accepted it, it would just be nice to not feel so transparent.
I am not depressed at the moment, but I can honestly say if I were to die tonight that not one person would notice. I have shut myself out of the world, in fear of more rejection. I have backed away from people I once talked to everyday. I don't hear from anyone anymore, unless I contact them. It's not a great feeling...to feel like nobody wants to bother with you to check in once in a while. To always take the responsibility and do it yourself so you aren't completely forgotten.
The sad thing (I have been working on this in therapy not quite there yet so bare with me), I feel like the only time people notice me is when I have done something wrong or when I am sick. Like I knew my dad knew I was around when he would throw a punch, give a kick, etc. Also being sick...everyone is so concerned when I am sick and when I am doing okay I don't hear from them. Period, not even asked how my day was. Which is why it is soooo hard to let go of my eating disorder. I am already faded without ed, I will be completely disappeared.
"Change"
Change can be a good thing, and a bad thing. I know for me I hate change. I like routine, if something is out of order, I just about get lost, not knowing what to do. However, sometimes, change can be a beautilful thing; when the whether changes from cold to hot, when the leaves change into vibrant colors, when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly.
Personal change though is overwhelmingly scary. Sometimes it feels impossible. For example, overcoming my eating disorder. Scary as hell and def seems impossible, but from what im told, its all worth it, because in the end life is beautiful. Living free from the monster within you. The constant lies fade and eventually silenced. Being able to be yourself because you aren't afraid of someone finding out your secret. But this kind of change- for a personal reason makes you a stronger person, it makes you grow to who you are meant to be, or to learn who you aren't suppose to be.
But sometimes things are beautiful as they are are should be left alone, unaltered. Why fix something when its not broken? For instance, the way we used to live. How our main focus was on the ones we loved. How we spend time with our family because we wanted to, not because we had to. How grateful we were. How polite everyone seemed. Now people are getting involved in the new technology-which as soon as you get it you have to return and update it a week later. So brainwashed by television that we feel the need to constantly be better, be thinner, be more fit, try to get that "perfection" down. Only to fail once again, because once you get there, something else changes, something else "is better for you". Saying thank you when someone holds open the door and not assume and generally be lazy to do it ourselves because "Someone else is capable of it"...when you are perfectly capable yourself.
Good or Bad, change takes time to get adjusted to. To relearn how to adapt to survive.
Personal change though is overwhelmingly scary. Sometimes it feels impossible. For example, overcoming my eating disorder. Scary as hell and def seems impossible, but from what im told, its all worth it, because in the end life is beautiful. Living free from the monster within you. The constant lies fade and eventually silenced. Being able to be yourself because you aren't afraid of someone finding out your secret. But this kind of change- for a personal reason makes you a stronger person, it makes you grow to who you are meant to be, or to learn who you aren't suppose to be.
But sometimes things are beautiful as they are are should be left alone, unaltered. Why fix something when its not broken? For instance, the way we used to live. How our main focus was on the ones we loved. How we spend time with our family because we wanted to, not because we had to. How grateful we were. How polite everyone seemed. Now people are getting involved in the new technology-which as soon as you get it you have to return and update it a week later. So brainwashed by television that we feel the need to constantly be better, be thinner, be more fit, try to get that "perfection" down. Only to fail once again, because once you get there, something else changes, something else "is better for you". Saying thank you when someone holds open the door and not assume and generally be lazy to do it ourselves because "Someone else is capable of it"...when you are perfectly capable yourself.
Good or Bad, change takes time to get adjusted to. To relearn how to adapt to survive.
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