This word hits home with me lately. I feel invisible. Nobody sees or hears me because im just a nobody. I am just taking up space that no one else cares to recognize. I realize that I have these feelings because of the drama going on lately. The fact that my dad doesnt seem to know that I exist, but it's spreading. It's like a virus because my sister was up for a week and completely ignored me, when before she talked to my dad, we talked everyday. Then trying to find my voice and not one person seems to hear me. I could be in the center of the room screaming and everyone will still talk over me. Or flat out not care what I think, feel, do, say.
I know im not important. I am a nobody. I have not done anything with my life. I have accepted it, it would just be nice to not feel so transparent.
I am not depressed at the moment, but I can honestly say if I were to die tonight that not one person would notice. I have shut myself out of the world, in fear of more rejection. I have backed away from people I once talked to everyday. I don't hear from anyone anymore, unless I contact them. It's not a great feeling...to feel like nobody wants to bother with you to check in once in a while. To always take the responsibility and do it yourself so you aren't completely forgotten.
The sad thing (I have been working on this in therapy not quite there yet so bare with me), I feel like the only time people notice me is when I have done something wrong or when I am sick. Like I knew my dad knew I was around when he would throw a punch, give a kick, etc. Also being sick...everyone is so concerned when I am sick and when I am doing okay I don't hear from them. Period, not even asked how my day was. Which is why it is soooo hard to let go of my eating disorder. I am already faded without ed, I will be completely disappeared.
Monday, June 4, 2012
"Change"
Change can be a good thing, and a bad thing. I know for me I hate change. I like routine, if something is out of order, I just about get lost, not knowing what to do. However, sometimes, change can be a beautilful thing; when the whether changes from cold to hot, when the leaves change into vibrant colors, when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly.
Personal change though is overwhelmingly scary. Sometimes it feels impossible. For example, overcoming my eating disorder. Scary as hell and def seems impossible, but from what im told, its all worth it, because in the end life is beautiful. Living free from the monster within you. The constant lies fade and eventually silenced. Being able to be yourself because you aren't afraid of someone finding out your secret. But this kind of change- for a personal reason makes you a stronger person, it makes you grow to who you are meant to be, or to learn who you aren't suppose to be.
But sometimes things are beautiful as they are are should be left alone, unaltered. Why fix something when its not broken? For instance, the way we used to live. How our main focus was on the ones we loved. How we spend time with our family because we wanted to, not because we had to. How grateful we were. How polite everyone seemed. Now people are getting involved in the new technology-which as soon as you get it you have to return and update it a week later. So brainwashed by television that we feel the need to constantly be better, be thinner, be more fit, try to get that "perfection" down. Only to fail once again, because once you get there, something else changes, something else "is better for you". Saying thank you when someone holds open the door and not assume and generally be lazy to do it ourselves because "Someone else is capable of it"...when you are perfectly capable yourself.
Good or Bad, change takes time to get adjusted to. To relearn how to adapt to survive.
Personal change though is overwhelmingly scary. Sometimes it feels impossible. For example, overcoming my eating disorder. Scary as hell and def seems impossible, but from what im told, its all worth it, because in the end life is beautiful. Living free from the monster within you. The constant lies fade and eventually silenced. Being able to be yourself because you aren't afraid of someone finding out your secret. But this kind of change- for a personal reason makes you a stronger person, it makes you grow to who you are meant to be, or to learn who you aren't suppose to be.
But sometimes things are beautiful as they are are should be left alone, unaltered. Why fix something when its not broken? For instance, the way we used to live. How our main focus was on the ones we loved. How we spend time with our family because we wanted to, not because we had to. How grateful we were. How polite everyone seemed. Now people are getting involved in the new technology-which as soon as you get it you have to return and update it a week later. So brainwashed by television that we feel the need to constantly be better, be thinner, be more fit, try to get that "perfection" down. Only to fail once again, because once you get there, something else changes, something else "is better for you". Saying thank you when someone holds open the door and not assume and generally be lazy to do it ourselves because "Someone else is capable of it"...when you are perfectly capable yourself.
Good or Bad, change takes time to get adjusted to. To relearn how to adapt to survive.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Inspirational Journal-Week 30
3 words....
1. Defeated. I don't even know how to go into detail about this one. I literally feel defeated, and I dont care. (rather im trying not to) Nothing I do or say will make anything better. Its like im being kicked when im already on the ground, you just gave up and letting it come at you one after another.
2. Drained. I cannot take one more bad thing right now. The amount I cried this past week I havent cried in years...Yet one thing after another is coming at me, Im trying to dodge bullets but keep missing. It's like I can't have a breather. One thing doesnt even end before something else happens.
3. Stuck. I dont know if that is the right word or not...im actaully really pissed off (at my sister and dad) and since I dont do anger im keeping it in rather than getting through it. Also stuck because nothing is happening, still not home, still not in school. Everything that is suppose to happen for me to get there is like frozen, put on hold.
1. Defeated. I don't even know how to go into detail about this one. I literally feel defeated, and I dont care. (rather im trying not to) Nothing I do or say will make anything better. Its like im being kicked when im already on the ground, you just gave up and letting it come at you one after another.
2. Drained. I cannot take one more bad thing right now. The amount I cried this past week I havent cried in years...Yet one thing after another is coming at me, Im trying to dodge bullets but keep missing. It's like I can't have a breather. One thing doesnt even end before something else happens.
3. Stuck. I dont know if that is the right word or not...im actaully really pissed off (at my sister and dad) and since I dont do anger im keeping it in rather than getting through it. Also stuck because nothing is happening, still not home, still not in school. Everything that is suppose to happen for me to get there is like frozen, put on hold.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Inspirational Journal Week 29
Things I have done that I can now laugh about.
I remember when I was younger, maybe 7 I went out to the park with my dad and sister. There was this concrete hill. That I kept sliding down on. My dad yelled at me to stop because I would get hurt (yeah who would think he cares about me getting hurt right? haha) well the stubborn little girl I was, I didn't. I don't know how many times I would slide down it but I do remember leaving the park with my shorts ripped and the red scratches on butt peeking through....
Another time, my sister was babysitting me. She was maybe 10. Well she wasn't paying attention and I cut my bangs...it didn't look to good haha.
Then when I was maybe 13ish. My sister was harrassing me for about a month telling me to say "She won't" with her fist up in the air. I kept saying no. Leave me alone, but I finally got tired of it and said "Fine you won't" Well she did....She punched me right in the face and gave me a black eye. And she didn't get in trouble because I told her she could...
One time I wanted to run away...but I wanted to know that they cared. So I waited for my mom to get home to tell her that I was leaving. I had my little suitcase packed, my mom told me no that I needed to stay home and opened my suitcase to not find clothes but to find all of my toys haha I was like 6-7
Two years ago I was in a treatment center. Laureate, which is in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I have never been to OK before, nor do I know anyone who lives there (well now I do because of the center was local for a lot of girls there) Well one night, I was taking my allowed 15 min walk...The girl who was with me (always needed someone with you) was on the phone. So I ran for it. I had no idea where I was going or what I would do. I just knew I didn't want to be in treatment anymore. I went through the woods there and somehow lost a shoe and tore my pants pretty bad. The center kept calling me. But I refused to answer. Then I picked up when the girl I was walking with called me. She was my buddy...I picked up crying saying I dont know why I did it but I was done. She said she knew but there are other ways to leave treatment. haha after about 6 hours and a hour long phone call I described where I was and they found me and brought me back.
I have done a lot of stupid things, especially when it comes to my ed and it's just like "why?" haha
I remember when I was younger, maybe 7 I went out to the park with my dad and sister. There was this concrete hill. That I kept sliding down on. My dad yelled at me to stop because I would get hurt (yeah who would think he cares about me getting hurt right? haha) well the stubborn little girl I was, I didn't. I don't know how many times I would slide down it but I do remember leaving the park with my shorts ripped and the red scratches on butt peeking through....
Another time, my sister was babysitting me. She was maybe 10. Well she wasn't paying attention and I cut my bangs...it didn't look to good haha.
Then when I was maybe 13ish. My sister was harrassing me for about a month telling me to say "She won't" with her fist up in the air. I kept saying no. Leave me alone, but I finally got tired of it and said "Fine you won't" Well she did....She punched me right in the face and gave me a black eye. And she didn't get in trouble because I told her she could...
One time I wanted to run away...but I wanted to know that they cared. So I waited for my mom to get home to tell her that I was leaving. I had my little suitcase packed, my mom told me no that I needed to stay home and opened my suitcase to not find clothes but to find all of my toys haha I was like 6-7
Two years ago I was in a treatment center. Laureate, which is in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I have never been to OK before, nor do I know anyone who lives there (well now I do because of the center was local for a lot of girls there) Well one night, I was taking my allowed 15 min walk...The girl who was with me (always needed someone with you) was on the phone. So I ran for it. I had no idea where I was going or what I would do. I just knew I didn't want to be in treatment anymore. I went through the woods there and somehow lost a shoe and tore my pants pretty bad. The center kept calling me. But I refused to answer. Then I picked up when the girl I was walking with called me. She was my buddy...I picked up crying saying I dont know why I did it but I was done. She said she knew but there are other ways to leave treatment. haha after about 6 hours and a hour long phone call I described where I was and they found me and brought me back.
I have done a lot of stupid things, especially when it comes to my ed and it's just like "why?" haha
Friday, April 13, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Inspirational Journal-Week 27
If you could have any superpower, what would it be, and what would you do with it?
When I first saw this I thought of being able to make all the pain/ hurt/ bad things go away. But then I sat and thought, if we didn't have those bad things, how would we be able to appricate the good things? If nobody got sick, we wouldn't have faith. If nobody died, we wouldn't know love or pain .If we didn't have terrorism we wouldn't know unity. If nobody was robbed, homeless, or cheated, we would take things for granted. If nobody was abused, we wouldn't know protection. For every bad thing out there, there is a good thing that comes from it...
So then I thought, of reading minds. Not to be selfish, but to be able to know who would really be there for me, who I can count on and who to protect myself from. To know how what people think of me, to know if i'm cared about. Know what will help others and when to shut up. But then I don't think I would be the person I am today. Would I use this power to my advanage, would that make me a fake? I mean I am not crazy for the person I am, I don't like my past, and I would want to change some things but then I wouldn't be the person I am today. I don't want to be anyone else. I want to be me, whoever the hell that is. I want true friends, I don't want friends because I tell them what they want to hear, because frankly somethings they want to hear is wrong and I don't want to engage in that...
Honestly, I sit here and think of things of powers I would want, but I see bad things coming from them as well. So I can honestly say that I don't want a super power. (I just want to be a super human hehe)
When I first saw this I thought of being able to make all the pain/ hurt/ bad things go away. But then I sat and thought, if we didn't have those bad things, how would we be able to appricate the good things? If nobody got sick, we wouldn't have faith. If nobody died, we wouldn't know love or pain .If we didn't have terrorism we wouldn't know unity. If nobody was robbed, homeless, or cheated, we would take things for granted. If nobody was abused, we wouldn't know protection. For every bad thing out there, there is a good thing that comes from it...
So then I thought, of reading minds. Not to be selfish, but to be able to know who would really be there for me, who I can count on and who to protect myself from. To know how what people think of me, to know if i'm cared about. Know what will help others and when to shut up. But then I don't think I would be the person I am today. Would I use this power to my advanage, would that make me a fake? I mean I am not crazy for the person I am, I don't like my past, and I would want to change some things but then I wouldn't be the person I am today. I don't want to be anyone else. I want to be me, whoever the hell that is. I want true friends, I don't want friends because I tell them what they want to hear, because frankly somethings they want to hear is wrong and I don't want to engage in that...
Honestly, I sit here and think of things of powers I would want, but I see bad things coming from them as well. So I can honestly say that I don't want a super power. (I just want to be a super human hehe)
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Inspirational Journal-Week 26
Something positive about myself
This one is actually very hard...
The only thing I can say is how much I am devoted to help others. I have stayed up all night with friend who was sucidal (which did end up with me calling the cops). I had stayed up all night with people who just needed a listening ear. If someone says they need someone I am there. I am the type of person who will drop everything that is going on to help someone else. I was in treatment and a few girls attacked another girl for being in her eating disorder. its like umm she is in treatment for it. I was the one who was by her side. I was the one who rubbed her back when she cried. I had another close friend in treatment and I was able to bring her back to reality. She was have an hulliucation and I was able to bring her back. I always want to help others. I will stop and give strangers change or food if I have it. I volunteered at food banks, several times. I went on raising awareness walks. I went door to door asking for donations. I taught my cousin the 123's the abc's and body parts. I saved my nanna from choking... well I was the one who noticed and got someone to help her. Of course everyone was drunk and playing guitar hero that they didn't notice my screaming so I had to grab my dad's guitar for him to pay attention. But I did everything I possibly could to help. Whether it's emotionally, mentally, or physically, I find ways to be there for someone else.
I want to get better so I can go to schools and give lectures on eating disorders. I want anyone who feels alone feel that it is okay to talk to me, whether they know me in person or not. I want to finish my degree and become a therapist. I want to be the therapist who doesn't say "I have guidelines you can't text or call me" I want to be the type of therapist who reallllly cares about the person and not the money who tells their clients if you need it," if you need to vent about anything you can contact me"
I am the person that anyone can lean on, no matter what it is, no matter what I have going on, I know I can be someone who is there. I might not help, but I can always listen. Always, no excuses. I know how it feels to be screaming in room full of people and nobody noticing. I am the one who notices.
This one is actually very hard...
The only thing I can say is how much I am devoted to help others. I have stayed up all night with friend who was sucidal (which did end up with me calling the cops). I had stayed up all night with people who just needed a listening ear. If someone says they need someone I am there. I am the type of person who will drop everything that is going on to help someone else. I was in treatment and a few girls attacked another girl for being in her eating disorder. its like umm she is in treatment for it. I was the one who was by her side. I was the one who rubbed her back when she cried. I had another close friend in treatment and I was able to bring her back to reality. She was have an hulliucation and I was able to bring her back. I always want to help others. I will stop and give strangers change or food if I have it. I volunteered at food banks, several times. I went on raising awareness walks. I went door to door asking for donations. I taught my cousin the 123's the abc's and body parts. I saved my nanna from choking... well I was the one who noticed and got someone to help her. Of course everyone was drunk and playing guitar hero that they didn't notice my screaming so I had to grab my dad's guitar for him to pay attention. But I did everything I possibly could to help. Whether it's emotionally, mentally, or physically, I find ways to be there for someone else.
I want to get better so I can go to schools and give lectures on eating disorders. I want anyone who feels alone feel that it is okay to talk to me, whether they know me in person or not. I want to finish my degree and become a therapist. I want to be the therapist who doesn't say "I have guidelines you can't text or call me" I want to be the type of therapist who reallllly cares about the person and not the money who tells their clients if you need it," if you need to vent about anything you can contact me"
I am the person that anyone can lean on, no matter what it is, no matter what I have going on, I know I can be someone who is there. I might not help, but I can always listen. Always, no excuses. I know how it feels to be screaming in room full of people and nobody noticing. I am the one who notices.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)