FEARS....
I honestly don't even know where to start. So ill do a list...
1. GAINING WEIGHT/GETTING FAT/LIFE WITHOUT ED
For some reason this is for sure my number one. Who would I be with ed. If I gained weight or got fat, nobody would care because they have no reason to ask me how I am or to think of me from time to time. Hell I don't even know who I am or how I am, Ed tells me and what am I going to do if nobody is steering for me?What if people don't like me, what if I don't like me? Do I really want to find out? See ed protects me, it numbs me out so i don't know who I am therefore; I dont know if i like myself. The unknowns are very scary a lot of "if's" and I don't like "if's" I like facts. something set in stone. something you can rely on. I hate surprises and I hate guessing. What if you're wrong???
2. Never recovering
Yet at the same time, what if I live this way for the rest of my life? I will have no family because nobody wants to deal with a sneaky anorexic. I will still not be able to finish school and to get the job I want. I won't get married or have kids and buy my own nice big house.I don't want to be alone. I already am. I want to get married but what if they make me stop. I dont want to be forced to stop. I can't be. I won't be able to drive because my health is already pretty screwed up so imagine what it would be years from now. Everyday, waking up thinking about how many calories I will eat today and how many I burn or purge and obsessing with my body. I have dont that for eight years already I don't want to do it for the rest of my life...
3. Ghosts/Death
It weird that I am actaully terrified of dying when I attempted to kill myself and is still sometimes a thought in my head. I'm not sure if it's actually dying or who I would be leaving behind-well the ones who would notice... or nobody nobody noticing. Just moving on without blinking an eye, of course I wouldn't know...Maybe it is dying, I'm already in pain, sure it's emotional but I don't want my last moments in life to be in physical pain. And yes ghosts. I do believe my house is haunted. I swear I am not totally crazy but I did hear my name being called when I was the only one home. And I had a music globe that decided to play everynight at the same time-when everyone was sleeping...I just don't want to see them I don't care if they are there but I would really rather not see or hear them. it freaks me out.
4. Being Alone/Being crowded
Again I know black and white thinking. I don't want to be alone in life. I mean moments are fine but I want to have people there for me emotionally and physically. I want to have a life. I don't want to be by myself. Then at the same time, what if someone is always there and they MAKE me stop my ed. or they make comments. or whatever....
5. Not being Good Enough/Being Hurt
The whole not being good enough thing is big in my family. I am always compared. Why haven't I gotten better yet, why did I only dance for 3 hours instead of 4 Why did I get a 98% instead of 100%?. I am always judged. I am always criticized. I feel like I am never good enough. All everyone sees are my flaws instead of my attempts. Being Hurt hmm yea well I've been hurt in more than one way and I am still scared of it. I don't think my mind or my heart can last it being injured anymore. For example-finding out who my biological father is...I want to know but what if this drunk isn't then I went through that abuse for nothing and I treated Bill like crap because of a false belief??? Then if he is, well then why does he want nothing to do with me? What did I do for him not to want me in his life?
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Inspirational Journal-Week Seven
Words that Give me Meaning...
Trouble he will find you no matter where you go, oh oh
No matter if you're fast, no matter if you're slow, oh oh
The eye of the storm or the cry in the mourn, oh oh
You're fine for a while but you start to lose control
He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!
Trouble is a friend but trouble is a foe, oh oh
And no matter what I feed him he always seems to grow, oh oh
He sees what I see and he knows what I know, oh oh
So don't forget as you ease on down the road
He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine
So don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm
I won't let him win, but I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!
Oh how I hate the way he makes me feel
And how I try to make him leave, I try
Oh oh, I try!
He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh
So don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm
I won't let him win, but I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!
Trouble he will find you no matter where you go, oh oh
No matter if you're fast, no matter if you're slow, oh oh
The eye of the storm or the cry in the mourn, oh oh
You're fine for a while but you start to lose control
He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!
Trouble is a friend but trouble is a foe, oh oh
And no matter what I feed him he always seems to grow, oh oh
He sees what I see and he knows what I know, oh oh
So don't forget as you ease on down the road
He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine
So don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm
I won't let him win, but I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!
Oh how I hate the way he makes me feel
And how I try to make him leave, I try
Oh oh, I try!
He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh
So don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm
I won't let him win, but I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!
This Week was actaully tough for me, I LOVE MUSIC, and pretty much every song I listen to I can relate to one one or another. So it was hard choosing JUST ONE...But this song sums up where I am today. The back and forth battle. The wanting to get better but not wanting to get better at the same time. That something bigger than you that keeps convincing you and pulling you back. The desire to let go and move on but you just can't. Ed for sure is a a friend and a foe all at once.
Inspirational Journal-Week Six
Where are you now?
Right now, I feel like I am on a teeter totter. You move slightly and it turns different directions. You need balance to stay still. I feel like I will never get that balance. I will always be up or I will always be down. Lately, I've been down. I am restricting a lot. I am isolating. but then I have moments when I am up....
moments when I reach out for support like Thursday I text my nutritionist to help me get through not purging. I have been calling my sponsor again everyday. I am making all my appointments it's just a matter of listening to what they tell me to do.
It's always all or nothing for me. Black and white. Either in recovery or in ed. But it HAS to be perfect you can't be in recovery and still restrict and just stop purging.
There is nothing there that is giving me balance. I just can't seem to find that little thing in life that makes everything stay still , where you dont lean one way and just pumplet that direction. When it is there, it only last for a split second.
Right now, I feel like I am on a teeter totter. You move slightly and it turns different directions. You need balance to stay still. I feel like I will never get that balance. I will always be up or I will always be down. Lately, I've been down. I am restricting a lot. I am isolating. but then I have moments when I am up....
moments when I reach out for support like Thursday I text my nutritionist to help me get through not purging. I have been calling my sponsor again everyday. I am making all my appointments it's just a matter of listening to what they tell me to do.
It's always all or nothing for me. Black and white. Either in recovery or in ed. But it HAS to be perfect you can't be in recovery and still restrict and just stop purging.
There is nothing there that is giving me balance. I just can't seem to find that little thing in life that makes everything stay still , where you dont lean one way and just pumplet that direction. When it is there, it only last for a split second.
Inspirational Journal-Week Five
What is your favorite moment in life?
I would say anything with my sister. My sister growing up was my mom, and my best friend. She took care of me. I do love her to death. I remember whenever i had a problem I would run to her and not my mom (which my mom wasn't too happy about) but i trusted her. How could I not trust her when she was the one taking care of me, when my dad and was drunk and my mom was out partying? Oh gosh the times I have had with her. We would get in trouble at night, because we would play games, our rooms were next to each other and we would play this game of singing a song and the other person had to guess who sang it and the name of the song. Well, we didn't realize that we had vents and we weren't exactly quiet. I would always get in trouble for sneaking in her room at night. I would curl up in a ball and sleep next to her. I was only a kid but it was comforting and it still brings me warmth when i think about it. There was also another time when we played UNO and she shoved the cards down her pants because we thought our mom was coming. She was 4 years older than me and always made time for me. She was the only one who ever did. We played Barbies a lot and we made the dolls go shopping and she would always have more clothes than I would, it took a while for me to learn that she cheated at everything. She was taking clothes and sitting on them and just said she got it in the begininng of the game. We would also play "camp" we would set up tents and I would be waiting for her to finish setting up her camp area and by the time she finished organizing it she didn't want to play anymore.
Honestly, all I remember from my childhood is being hit and spending time with my sister. So for that time Chris, I thank you. I love you very much, I always will.
I MISS you so much that nobody can understand
I would say anything with my sister. My sister growing up was my mom, and my best friend. She took care of me. I do love her to death. I remember whenever i had a problem I would run to her and not my mom (which my mom wasn't too happy about) but i trusted her. How could I not trust her when she was the one taking care of me, when my dad and was drunk and my mom was out partying? Oh gosh the times I have had with her. We would get in trouble at night, because we would play games, our rooms were next to each other and we would play this game of singing a song and the other person had to guess who sang it and the name of the song. Well, we didn't realize that we had vents and we weren't exactly quiet. I would always get in trouble for sneaking in her room at night. I would curl up in a ball and sleep next to her. I was only a kid but it was comforting and it still brings me warmth when i think about it. There was also another time when we played UNO and she shoved the cards down her pants because we thought our mom was coming. She was 4 years older than me and always made time for me. She was the only one who ever did. We played Barbies a lot and we made the dolls go shopping and she would always have more clothes than I would, it took a while for me to learn that she cheated at everything. She was taking clothes and sitting on them and just said she got it in the begininng of the game. We would also play "camp" we would set up tents and I would be waiting for her to finish setting up her camp area and by the time she finished organizing it she didn't want to play anymore.
Honestly, all I remember from my childhood is being hit and spending time with my sister. So for that time Chris, I thank you. I love you very much, I always will.
I MISS you so much that nobody can understand
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Inspirational Journal-Week Four
Aspirations
My sponsor. She has shared her story with me, and she has overcome so much. She has a very similar past as mine, and she was able to overcome everything, and she is just so happy now. Has two kids, is married has a huge house. She works two jobs, and volunteers and manages to take on me as a sponsee. I honestly, do not know how she does it everyday. How she can sit there and see or hear me struggling and not get triggered. How she can run around all day and still be home at a decent time to spend time with her family. She just has this way about her, like everything isn't about her, and it's out of her control so why worry about it? She takes everything that comes to her and relaxes and breathes and gets through it. She makes it seem so easy, which she tells me it's simple but not easy. I don't know how to explain, I don't want to say mellow but she just seems to have everything together. And when you see her smile, you just know that it's a smile and not a mask. She also showed me that you can trust people.
This woman knows more than all the therapists I had combined, and someone confronted her and she told me about it. I trust her enough to have contact with my therapist now and everytime, she tells me, "Hey denise called me this is what was said " Or "Do you mind if I call back?" She the one person I know who if you tell her something, she is not going to tell anyone unless you say it's okay. She can be blunt and forceful at times, but I just have to accept it that she feels it is what I need. Like when I went to ABA, she gave me a "gentle shove" (her words- to me it wasn't gentle) to share with the group, and I did and she was right, I felt amazing after I did and more connected to this world. She just always has everyone's best interest in mind, while still being able to take care of herself. She thinks everyone is as equally important unlike me who everyone is more deserving or in need than I am. I have really lucked out with having this amazing person part of my journey and for my life.
My sponsor. She has shared her story with me, and she has overcome so much. She has a very similar past as mine, and she was able to overcome everything, and she is just so happy now. Has two kids, is married has a huge house. She works two jobs, and volunteers and manages to take on me as a sponsee. I honestly, do not know how she does it everyday. How she can sit there and see or hear me struggling and not get triggered. How she can run around all day and still be home at a decent time to spend time with her family. She just has this way about her, like everything isn't about her, and it's out of her control so why worry about it? She takes everything that comes to her and relaxes and breathes and gets through it. She makes it seem so easy, which she tells me it's simple but not easy. I don't know how to explain, I don't want to say mellow but she just seems to have everything together. And when you see her smile, you just know that it's a smile and not a mask. She also showed me that you can trust people.
This woman knows more than all the therapists I had combined, and someone confronted her and she told me about it. I trust her enough to have contact with my therapist now and everytime, she tells me, "Hey denise called me this is what was said " Or "Do you mind if I call back?" She the one person I know who if you tell her something, she is not going to tell anyone unless you say it's okay. She can be blunt and forceful at times, but I just have to accept it that she feels it is what I need. Like when I went to ABA, she gave me a "gentle shove" (her words- to me it wasn't gentle) to share with the group, and I did and she was right, I felt amazing after I did and more connected to this world. She just always has everyone's best interest in mind, while still being able to take care of herself. She thinks everyone is as equally important unlike me who everyone is more deserving or in need than I am. I have really lucked out with having this amazing person part of my journey and for my life.
Inspirational Journal-Week Three
My influences.
Hmmm. I would say the ones who influence my actions would number one be my mom and "dad". I don't know why, but they seem to play a big part whenever I talk to them. I mean I know it's not a huge deal but when I was applying for colleges, I decided to go to the college that my mom wanted me too, and not the one I wanted to. Her reasoning was because the scholarship was much higher where I only have to pay nine dollars a semster, plus books. Which I was lucky, it worked out because I love my school and can't wait to go back. I was in a peer cousloring group, about to be secertary when the nurse (leader of the group) confronted me saying that I needed to get help. Honestly, thinking about it now, the only reason I wanted to go to this other school was for the living in a dorm to be completely in my ed, but it just wouldn't have worked out for me. Like I can't study with people around me. But still it was a decision that should have been mine to make.
As for my dad, I do not drink at all because of him, and what it has done to him. I also do not allow myself to feel anytime of anger. Something everyone tells me that I need to work on.
Anyway enough about the bad influences in my life. Now to the good.
I would say, Jen (sponsor) and everyone in ABA and EDA and the girls at the treatment centers I went to. Jen has 15 years of recovery and she just always knows how to help me, whether it's giving advice or just listening to me. She gives me so much hope that I too can get better, and that it's one baby step at a time. Everyone else in ABA, EDA and treatment they either relate so much to me that I feel like im not so alone, and im not so crazy. Or they are struggling, and I can give them advice but it makes me realize that I need to listen to myself sometimes.
Hmmm. I would say the ones who influence my actions would number one be my mom and "dad". I don't know why, but they seem to play a big part whenever I talk to them. I mean I know it's not a huge deal but when I was applying for colleges, I decided to go to the college that my mom wanted me too, and not the one I wanted to. Her reasoning was because the scholarship was much higher where I only have to pay nine dollars a semster, plus books. Which I was lucky, it worked out because I love my school and can't wait to go back. I was in a peer cousloring group, about to be secertary when the nurse (leader of the group) confronted me saying that I needed to get help. Honestly, thinking about it now, the only reason I wanted to go to this other school was for the living in a dorm to be completely in my ed, but it just wouldn't have worked out for me. Like I can't study with people around me. But still it was a decision that should have been mine to make.
As for my dad, I do not drink at all because of him, and what it has done to him. I also do not allow myself to feel anytime of anger. Something everyone tells me that I need to work on.
Anyway enough about the bad influences in my life. Now to the good.
I would say, Jen (sponsor) and everyone in ABA and EDA and the girls at the treatment centers I went to. Jen has 15 years of recovery and she just always knows how to help me, whether it's giving advice or just listening to me. She gives me so much hope that I too can get better, and that it's one baby step at a time. Everyone else in ABA, EDA and treatment they either relate so much to me that I feel like im not so alone, and im not so crazy. Or they are struggling, and I can give them advice but it makes me realize that I need to listen to myself sometimes.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Inspirational Journal-Week Two
What is your favorite childhood memory?
How my mom would go all out for holidays, not for the gifts but because of my mom doing everything possible to make us believe in something. For Christmas, she would get this white powder and make footprints and hoof prints all in our living room. And get rid of the milk and cookies. She would also leave a present outside our bedroom doors to keep us occupied so we wouldn't wake her up as fast. She just tried so hard. She wanted us to believe so much. To have faith in something. To make it special for us.
I'm sorry I know this is really short and pretty stupid but that is all I remember from my childhood. Well that and the abuse that went on. Everything else is just this gap of time =/
How my mom would go all out for holidays, not for the gifts but because of my mom doing everything possible to make us believe in something. For Christmas, she would get this white powder and make footprints and hoof prints all in our living room. And get rid of the milk and cookies. She would also leave a present outside our bedroom doors to keep us occupied so we wouldn't wake her up as fast. She just tried so hard. She wanted us to believe so much. To have faith in something. To make it special for us.
I'm sorry I know this is really short and pretty stupid but that is all I remember from my childhood. Well that and the abuse that went on. Everything else is just this gap of time =/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)