"Community"

I know "We can't do this alone", "we are all in this together" etc but sometimes, well most of the time, it feels like im alone in it. I know some people are there for me, but in the end its me who has to fight, me who has to make the next best move. Me who has to do everything. I know I could call people but I feel like such a burden all the time. Others have stuff going on too. sometimes more than I do and the last thing they need is to hear my problems. They need someone to look up to, well not to look up to but see that everything will be okay in the end. I can't be that person if im struggling myself. I want to reach out more, im involved in 2 support groups and i know its expected to struggle but I dont want to be the only person reaching out. I feel like a goof like why am I going to them about this or that. I especially feel like a goof when im the only one who keeps contact with someone then i feel like see youre annoying if you werent so annoying  then maybe someone would call you...i know thats probably my depression talking mixed in with ed...

I am in two support groups and the community in both are great. I dont feel so alone. Especially when im in a face to face meeting and someone says what im thinking but i never talk in them. Im scared that im the only one, that i wont make sense and that others have more important things to talk about. They need to share/talk/get support more than I do.

But I guess its one of those things where I need to feel awkward and do it anyway. Clearly not doing it isnt helping me...

"Mystery"

I am not a fan. I dont like not knowing, I hate surprises. I like facts, I like knowing what to expect. I know this is why its so hard for me to recover, because its so unknown to me and it scares me. Being sick is normal for me. I know what will happen, how I will feel, what others say, what I do, etc. Going into recovery, I dont know any of it. Its like going to China without knowing chinese. I dont know who I am without it. I dont know if I will like myself or if others will like who I am if im not sick. I dont know if people would care. I dont know if I'll make it. I dont know if Ill switch eds and i dont know if Ill be able to stop gaining weight. I dont know if Ill ever truely be recovered or if it will be there everyday maybe not as hard but still lingering in the background. My one therapist from Laureate was obsessed with this quote, "Take the first step, even if you dont see the rest of the staircase"....WTH? who in their right mind would take the first step without being able to see something below to continue to catch you???

"Travel"

I think I would like to travel, but I cant say if I do or not. The only times I traveled were when I was going to or from treatment. Solely based on the reasons why I traveled, im not a fan. I think traveling for fun would be a lot different though.

I think I would like to travel but I like having a place to come back home to. A place where I belong, that is is known for me. I cant seem to stay in one place for too long because I get scared of what could happen. Going somewhere where nobody knows my story might be nice, but I wouldnt stay too long because not feeling welcomed kicks in. Which is a common feeling for me =/

Anyway. I got off subject and drifted somewhere...I want to travel to California, I always have. Im not really sure why...but last year I told my sister im saving up and going to go and while there go to Ellen's Tv Set =) If you dont know me 2 things you should know. 1. I am obsessed with peace signs, and Ellen Degeneres and 2. It makes me sick to see pickles in a sandwich haha. (sorry back off topic)

My sister and I have been planning to go to China for years. Just because it would be a cool thing to say...we havent gone yet because i ended up getting sick and while I was doing so my sister got a life-got married and now expecting her first child.

I was suppose to travel to Germany my senior year in high school, for the exchange program but my eating disorder got worse and I was being stupid, long story short I didn't go

Anyway seems like I cant really stay on topic today so ill stop going on and on =)

"Bliss"

Not sure what to write, so here's a video that I found =)

"Purpose"

My purpose...i have no idea. Most days im day dreaming on why im even here, what I am suppose to give to this world, what I was created to do with this life. So far I have done nothing.I am 22 and should be finishing school and figuring out what I want to do with my life. But my eating disorder got in the way my first year of college and kept me sick enough to not return back. Even if I was in school, I dont know what I want to do and what I am suppose to do. Ive always wanted to be a therapist, so I can help others with the same issues as me and really understand them, but a lot of people think that might be too triggering for me, and now with my grandmom being sick, I have been considering a nurses aide, I like helping my grandmom out. I feel important, like I have some worth and its still helping others, but let me tell you the past few weeks I have been helping out with her has been rough. I love her so sometimes I want to shake her...I was always into my education always my number one thing on my list, I do plan on going back but its a matter of when ill get approved from my doctor. So the good thing with being a CNA is no degree is needed its only a 6 week training course then youre set...but I want a degree behind my name, I have worked so hard in school I deserve it. I didnt do all that hard work for nothing. So purpose...i know i have one even when im questioning it, i guess im still trying to figure it out.

"Forgiveness"

Something I try to do but i am not very successful at. A lot of people tell me I hold grudges and I am a bitch about it. I dont mean to hold onto things in the past, its just how I work. You hurt me, I put a wall up so I dont get hurt again, so I dont look like an idiot again. I try to forgive and forget I guess the forgetting part is hard for me, which makes the whole forgiving part hard too.

My team at treatment (each center I went to) have all told me that I am pissed at my mom. Now this, is one that I dont understand. I dont feel mad at her. I feel close with her, I dont know why I give that vibe that, but my current therapist says its because 1. She didn't protect me the way I felt she needed to from my dad and 2. If she didnt have an affair that maybe I would have experienced what it feels like to have my parents together.

Now my dad, I dont think I could ever forgive him. Yet I want to so desperately that it almost killed me. He abused me and he left me. Now he ignores me, like I am not his child, its either that or another beating. I want to forgive him but how can you if they keep doing the same things to hurt you over and over again?


Things that happened with my sister and my friends, I try harder to forgive because they are little things. They still hurt me but its not like my life was in danger with them. I still have a wall up with them though.

Now my molestor and my ex. I dont think I will forgive or forget. It still wracks my brain how I didnt know about my ex having a family, how I was so stupid, how he made me feel and how he was my eating disorder in person. Which is why I stayed with him because he was the only one agreeing on the things I tell myself in my head. He has hurt me, he has taken something from me that I will never get back. And he doesnt even care. He lied to me, to my face and he lied about me.

So ive been hurt many of times, and im scared of getting hurt again in the same way so I guess that is why its hard to forgive others why should I if I get hurt and disappointed again and again. Like that saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"

Week 33

My most prized item.

hmmmm.material wise, nothing. I have lost so much in my life and its just not worth worrying over if it can be replaced.

In reality, everything can be lost, stolen, forgotten, or broken. So I think I just learn to enjoy things while I can but not to get used to it. Im always expecting things to go wrong. Even relationships, if something goes good or is going good I just wait for it to end. Maybe that puts a wall up and to realize that something can last forever, but in my case nothing has ever lasted forever yet. So until then im afraid to say what my most treasured item is...

"Face"

ughh my face, I hate it. I think its too round, and I always tell my therapist that it doesnt look like I have an eating disorder because my face is still round and fat. I feel like I have a double chin and i look manly...sorry if its triggering...but its a body part and I have an ED so of course im going to bash my body parts haha.

The one thing I do like are my eyes. It's the one thing I always get a compliament on. My eye lashes are extremely long, but on the negative side I think my one eye is lower like it droops down more than the other....

"Soul"

When I saw this word I laughed and thought to myself, they want me to write about my soul? I feel like I dont have a soul. I have done some pretty mean/stupid things. If I had a soul I dont think I would have done them. For example, I had a huge problem with lying. Not even fibs, they were huge lies. (luckily I am out of that phrase) but the lies made other people feel humilated...

I started working on this with my therapist, and we came to conclude that the year my dad left us was the year that my ed started and the lying started. See my dad always hated liars. Its the number thing we got hit for, well when we did something wrong that is...but the lies started when he left was like a scream for him to find out and come and punish me...not that I want to get hit but at least I would know he knew I exisited...needless to say he never came back.

I think I got sidetracked. Ha. but the point was I would not have lied the way I did if I had a soul. right?

"Home"

Speaking of home...Im going! Im finalllllly going home on July 1st. I haven't been home for almost 4 years. Between being in treatment and my mom setting the boundry that I can't be home if im still in my eating disorder. My mom talked to my therapist and agreed it's what I need right now, doing tough love with an eating disordered person doesn't work, it makes it a lot worse...so learning that I was going home I jumped right into recovery. Well not completely. I am still restricting and exercising but im keeping it in for the most part. I have purge once in the last month and a half. My restricting isnt that bad, i mean its still a behavior but at least im eating everyday now.

Now being home is a good but scary thing. Good because I get to see my dog, Im around friends, I have my own place. Bad because I am not able to be alone...and my mom tends to take control which yall know that isnt a good thing. They also put a lot of expecations on me. Hopefully this time is okay though because my therapist has talked to my mom. So maybe she will back off a little.

For the past 4 years I have felt like I dont have a home. When I got out of treatment within a month I was kicked out. I moved in with a friend, which was great for ed...but horrible for me. She had anger issues and it was extreme. I was always scared of saying/doing something around her. She also took control. One time she told me "You will break up with Art, and you will eat deserts everynight" Hearing that I was out the door. Then back to treatment then out to my aunts 3 hours away from home. I have a room and everything but its not my room. Im scared of touching things because they arent mine to touch. Of course I have visited home but even there I dont feel like I belong anymore. My room has become a storage room and I just dont feel welcomed. Everytime I went to visit I refused to sleep in my room because it didnt feel like mine...

Home is a big value of mine. To feel welcomed. To feel like its where you belong. Hopefully this all works out...

"Fight"

I am tired of fighting. Seems like I have been fighting my whole life.

I have fought with my dad, ever since I was born. I was hit. I couldn't fight back. I tried to once. not physically. I ended up telling my school what was going on and they told me that I could be taken away from my parents...eventhough my parents were divorced and I lived with my mom. I got scared and told them that I lied about it...I was suppose to go to Germany that year and because of the "lie" it was taken away from me...

Then the fight with ALL, started when I was 8. Nothing has changed in a matter of 14 years now. So im done fighting against that now.

Now my ED. It's been 8 years now. I wouldnt say I actually tried fighting it. I mean sure I went to treatment. But it didn't do anything. I didn't want it too. My first stay I actually got kicked out for not cooperating. The others, seemed to hold me there longer the more I struggled. So I ran away, thinking surely this will get me kicked out...nope it didnt...so I started recovery, but the whole time thinking "just do it now so you can go home and  be left alone again" The day I was discharged was the day I relapsed. If you want to even call it a relapse since I knew what I was doing, I knew my plans...

I do have moments though.  I will do certain things so I dont use my ED. I call my sponsor, journal, go to meetings. Then other days I dont want to be bothered. Seems like I can manage getting to a month with no behaviors if I want to but as soon as I hit that 30 day period I freak out and run back to it. I tell my mom that I can't get better because i haven't hit my rock bottom yet. I need to for it to happen. Then I say I dont have motivation, everything has been taken away from me anyway and I dont see it coming back in my life. Then I get motivation and it always seems to fade away. The last motivation I had was my sister told me she is pregnant...she has a few weeks to go and its like ehh well who cares you will never see the baby anyway, if she moves 3 hours away. I learned that I will be going home in 10 days and I have been doing okayish since I found out, but I really feel like that might change once I actually get there...time will tell I suppose

"Compliment"

I can't take them. I say thank you, but in the back of my mind, im think yea whatever...I am always complimented on my eyes. I have very long eye lashes. I say thank you, then I tell myself my eyes are ugly because one eye is lower than the other. Yet at the same time, I crave compliments. I want to be told im skinny, and sometimes I do get them but its still like-nope not skinny enough. Compliments are never good enough to me because I see so many flaws in myself. My family nitpicks at my flaws so im sure this doesn't help me any at all. No matter what the compliment is I always tend to twist and turn it to make it a negative thing. I'm not sure why.

When it comes to my recovery, if someone makes a compliment, I think but I could do better, do it faster, or it can also be turned into see they noticed now your fat. youre disgusting.

So for me....the best thing is dont give me any compliments. not on my recovery. not on my appearance. just dont do it. It would be better for both of us...

"Tears"

I hold back my tears. I try to. I feel so weak and vulerable when I cry. I refuse to cry in front of others (exception on Mothers day when I couldn't control it and when my mom left when I was admitted in treatment). My therapist has been trying to get me to cry, but everytime I am close it to I change the subject or ask her too. Most of the time, I act like I get distracted like "Denise you know you look like Mary from so you think you can dance?" She knows exactly what I am doing. Luckily she doesn't push it, she knows my limits and she wont even bring stuff up if im already in a bad place. 

When I was younger I cried at everything. My family (mainly my sister) would refer me as the cry baby. My dad always yelled when I cried said it was for babies and to suck it up and deal with it. So because of that, I have been trying to get rid of that label lingering on me. By getting rid of it means not to cry...which obviously is not the healthiest thing to do. 

Other than entering treatment, I can't even remember the last time I cried in front of my mom. 

When  I do need to cry, I completely isolate, I won't let anyone see and if I am interrupted  I immediately put on my fake smile, wipe my eyes and act like everything is okay. 

When I am crying because of something (mainly my dad) I wont let them know that they have that power over me. When I exploded on mothers day ( he came on a surprise visit and completely ignored me. Like I didn't exist) I felt so out of control and I like an idiot for not being able to hide my pain until everyone left. The second he left I broke down. It took over me. I hated it and I kept apologizing like I did something wrong. Anyway, when I found out my sister told my dad that I was upset, I was floored. I didn't tell her why I was upset because I didnt want her to run to dad and tell him and without knowing why I was upset she ran to him and told him anyway. I was so mad because know he knows he has this power over me still. I have tried so hard to act like what he does, says, doesn't bother me. Now he knows. 

"Laughter"

Laughter is the best medicine. When I was down, I would always sit and watch Ellen, even if I saw it a million times and I could quote it. Then I started calling a friend who made me laugh. It is a good distractor for me. Its tells me that even when things are bad or wrong or not what you expected there is always a reason to smile and to laugh. Always. No matter where you are. When I am in a bad place I often focus on just that, that I forget all the good things. Earth is pretty balanced with good and bad but we tend to notice and stay stuck on the bad, that we dont see or we forget about the good. I would much rather laugh at something than sit there and cry, that is for sure!

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.  ~Yiddish Proverb




This makes me laugh eveytime =)

"Beginning"

Beginning something is scary as hell. There are so many what if's. It's the 1st step but its the hardest step. To let go of what you know, to throw yourself in an unknown place. It's scary.

When I started dance, I wanted someone with me. So I knew someone. I was afraid of nobody liking me, of not being good at it. It's dance, its suppose to be fun and stress free but for me it wasn't...

Beginning recovery is the scariest thing. And I have been through a lot of scary things. What if I switch to binge eating, what if I never stop gaining weight, what if I dont like who I am, what if others dont like who I am, what if, what if, what if....WHO KNOWS but I do know whatever it is, it has to be a hell of a lot better than a life with my eating disorder. Might be scary and hard but it just has to be better.

When I was in treatment, my therapist was a big fan of this quote; "Take the first step, even when you dont see the whole staircase"

HAHA i get what the quote is saying but I think...who the hell would take a step not seeing if there were steps following???

"End"

When things come to an end, it can be a grieving process. Even if its a bad thing ending. At least it is for me.

I want to say my eating disorder ended but I know that I have a long way to go before I can say that.

My example is, when I stopped talking to my dad. When I stopped reaching out to him and flat out telling him if things dont change that I cant have him in my life. It was a grieving process...that was a few months ago and I can still sit here and cry about it. Who would think that a man that beats you you would cry over? I do. He is my father, and deep down I know this isnt who he is. I dont have evidence of that but I know he isn't.

Anyway, "All good things come to an ending and all bad things come to an ending, you just have to enjoy the ride and hang on it"

"Now"

Well I stopped doing this challenge because this one scares me. I dont know what to say about it. So I just avoided it. I know my sponsor always tells me to focus on the moment. To not look forward and not look back. Looking forward overwhelms me and looking in the past makes me depressed. And when I do focus on the moment it does help but its very hard for me to do it.

Anyway. right now. I am doing pretty good. Which is surprising because I have my grandmom very ill and drama with my dad and with my sister. For some reason im not running to ed. And if I do its not like it was. It's different. I found out that I am moving  (july 1st) and I think that gave me the push. Because Annie is not welcomed there and I dont want to be kicked out again, as I miss being home. Im tired of treatment and being depressed and lonely. Im sick and tired of being sick and tired haha.

Anyway since I didn't know what to write I figured I would put some quotes up instead...

One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us.  ~Michael Cibenko


You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.  ~Jan Glidewell


I have memories - but only a fool stores his past in the future.  ~David Gerrold


We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today.  I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great.  If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.  ~Art Buchwald


If you are still talking about what you did yesterday, you haven't done much today.  ~Author Unknown


The past is a good place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.  ~Author Unknown


When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.  ~Alexander Graham Bell

"Love"

Ughh. When I see it, hear it., say it I cringe. Love is hard for me. It's hard to open myself up to it. It's even harder to feel others love me. I have a dad who doesnt love me at all, so because of that, I dont think anyone can. I mean who doesn't love their child? Something is wrong me, Im lacking in that area, and I dont know why or how to fix it. Even today, we went to see my grandmom in the hospital and my dad was there. I saw he was there before we got to the room (have to sign in) and my heart started racing and I had a panic attack. My aunt calmed me down. I shouldnt have that reaction when I know i will bump into my dad. But we walked in the room and all he said, "Oh we were just leaving" and left. No hi or bye. Just left. (he was only there for 10 mins visiting her). Anyway...

When I was at Laureate they tried to help me with this problem. Not so much by saying it is me, but for showing me. Its just very hard to accept that anyone would love or care about me. The one night tech brought me a blanket. She said, "I know you are always cold, and I thought you would like it. you are the only one without a blanket from home. So here is one from my home" It was nice of her, and I really liked her and I know she was trying to show me she cared but when I was there nobody could love me. I was insane. I was having flashbacks and I was delusional. I make it hard for anyone to love me.

Sad thing is, it's the one thing I desperately want, need, crave for. But one thing I will never have or be able to feel. Hell I don't even love myself.

"Perfect"

Perfection. I try to get perfection with everything I do. However, no matter how hard I work at it, how much time I put into it, I can always see flaws. Doesnt matter what it is, or what other people say. It can ALWAYS be better....

While fighting with and against my eating disorder, I discovered a group called ABA (anorexics and bulimics anonymous) they have this theory named the "Ice berg theory". It explains how much perfectionism is a part of ED's. Here I thought I was different. From as long as I remember I was perfectionist. With school, dance, work, etc and after reading this, it was like everything clicked. It made sense on why I was sick...not saying if you are perfectionist you are doomed to get sick. Its a good goal to have but its unrealistic. So keep that in mind. Perfectionism is an underlying issue. its hiding something. Its the "tip of the iceberg" its what you can see but there is so much stuff under neath it. Self hate, feeling of worthlessness, its all the yucky feelings. So we try to fool ourselves and others, in a way.

Anyway, I probably am not explaining it well like the book, so if you can get a copy and read that chapter, I highly recommend you do.

"Crowd"

I don't like crowds. Everyone here knows about my eating disorder, they all saw it in action. So when I am in a group I am very anxious about comments that can be made, how I will be judged. Most of my family don't even know what to say which I suppose is a good thing but bad when instead of saying something, they just stare, they look at me like I am so fragile, I suppose in a way I am but I dont think to the extent they believe. Yes I am sick, but I am strong and I am not going to break in half. The thing I hate most is the food, how everyone watches what I eat. how I eat and expect me to eat more even if I follow my meal plan. It is extremely uncomfortable and anxiety provoking for me. I usually am in panic mode for days before hand if I know something is planned. Then the day of I have to be on the phone all day to calm myself down, to get support. I dont know what it is. I think its more than just my eating disorder...