"Community"

I know "We can't do this alone", "we are all in this together" etc but sometimes, well most of the time, it feels like im alone in it. I know some people are there for me, but in the end its me who has to fight, me who has to make the next best move. Me who has to do everything. I know I could call people but I feel like such a burden all the time. Others have stuff going on too. sometimes more than I do and the last thing they need is to hear my problems. They need someone to look up to, well not to look up to but see that everything will be okay in the end. I can't be that person if im struggling myself. I want to reach out more, im involved in 2 support groups and i know its expected to struggle but I dont want to be the only person reaching out. I feel like a goof like why am I going to them about this or that. I especially feel like a goof when im the only one who keeps contact with someone then i feel like see youre annoying if you werent so annoying  then maybe someone would call you...i know thats probably my depression talking mixed in with ed...

I am in two support groups and the community in both are great. I dont feel so alone. Especially when im in a face to face meeting and someone says what im thinking but i never talk in them. Im scared that im the only one, that i wont make sense and that others have more important things to talk about. They need to share/talk/get support more than I do.

But I guess its one of those things where I need to feel awkward and do it anyway. Clearly not doing it isnt helping me...

"Mystery"

I am not a fan. I dont like not knowing, I hate surprises. I like facts, I like knowing what to expect. I know this is why its so hard for me to recover, because its so unknown to me and it scares me. Being sick is normal for me. I know what will happen, how I will feel, what others say, what I do, etc. Going into recovery, I dont know any of it. Its like going to China without knowing chinese. I dont know who I am without it. I dont know if I will like myself or if others will like who I am if im not sick. I dont know if people would care. I dont know if I'll make it. I dont know if Ill switch eds and i dont know if Ill be able to stop gaining weight. I dont know if Ill ever truely be recovered or if it will be there everyday maybe not as hard but still lingering in the background. My one therapist from Laureate was obsessed with this quote, "Take the first step, even if you dont see the rest of the staircase"....WTH? who in their right mind would take the first step without being able to see something below to continue to catch you???

"Travel"

I think I would like to travel, but I cant say if I do or not. The only times I traveled were when I was going to or from treatment. Solely based on the reasons why I traveled, im not a fan. I think traveling for fun would be a lot different though.

I think I would like to travel but I like having a place to come back home to. A place where I belong, that is is known for me. I cant seem to stay in one place for too long because I get scared of what could happen. Going somewhere where nobody knows my story might be nice, but I wouldnt stay too long because not feeling welcomed kicks in. Which is a common feeling for me =/

Anyway. I got off subject and drifted somewhere...I want to travel to California, I always have. Im not really sure why...but last year I told my sister im saving up and going to go and while there go to Ellen's Tv Set =) If you dont know me 2 things you should know. 1. I am obsessed with peace signs, and Ellen Degeneres and 2. It makes me sick to see pickles in a sandwich haha. (sorry back off topic)

My sister and I have been planning to go to China for years. Just because it would be a cool thing to say...we havent gone yet because i ended up getting sick and while I was doing so my sister got a life-got married and now expecting her first child.

I was suppose to travel to Germany my senior year in high school, for the exchange program but my eating disorder got worse and I was being stupid, long story short I didn't go

Anyway seems like I cant really stay on topic today so ill stop going on and on =)

"Bliss"

Not sure what to write, so here's a video that I found =)

"Purpose"

My purpose...i have no idea. Most days im day dreaming on why im even here, what I am suppose to give to this world, what I was created to do with this life. So far I have done nothing.I am 22 and should be finishing school and figuring out what I want to do with my life. But my eating disorder got in the way my first year of college and kept me sick enough to not return back. Even if I was in school, I dont know what I want to do and what I am suppose to do. Ive always wanted to be a therapist, so I can help others with the same issues as me and really understand them, but a lot of people think that might be too triggering for me, and now with my grandmom being sick, I have been considering a nurses aide, I like helping my grandmom out. I feel important, like I have some worth and its still helping others, but let me tell you the past few weeks I have been helping out with her has been rough. I love her so sometimes I want to shake her...I was always into my education always my number one thing on my list, I do plan on going back but its a matter of when ill get approved from my doctor. So the good thing with being a CNA is no degree is needed its only a 6 week training course then youre set...but I want a degree behind my name, I have worked so hard in school I deserve it. I didnt do all that hard work for nothing. So purpose...i know i have one even when im questioning it, i guess im still trying to figure it out.

"Forgiveness"

Something I try to do but i am not very successful at. A lot of people tell me I hold grudges and I am a bitch about it. I dont mean to hold onto things in the past, its just how I work. You hurt me, I put a wall up so I dont get hurt again, so I dont look like an idiot again. I try to forgive and forget I guess the forgetting part is hard for me, which makes the whole forgiving part hard too.

My team at treatment (each center I went to) have all told me that I am pissed at my mom. Now this, is one that I dont understand. I dont feel mad at her. I feel close with her, I dont know why I give that vibe that, but my current therapist says its because 1. She didn't protect me the way I felt she needed to from my dad and 2. If she didnt have an affair that maybe I would have experienced what it feels like to have my parents together.

Now my dad, I dont think I could ever forgive him. Yet I want to so desperately that it almost killed me. He abused me and he left me. Now he ignores me, like I am not his child, its either that or another beating. I want to forgive him but how can you if they keep doing the same things to hurt you over and over again?


Things that happened with my sister and my friends, I try harder to forgive because they are little things. They still hurt me but its not like my life was in danger with them. I still have a wall up with them though.

Now my molestor and my ex. I dont think I will forgive or forget. It still wracks my brain how I didnt know about my ex having a family, how I was so stupid, how he made me feel and how he was my eating disorder in person. Which is why I stayed with him because he was the only one agreeing on the things I tell myself in my head. He has hurt me, he has taken something from me that I will never get back. And he doesnt even care. He lied to me, to my face and he lied about me.

So ive been hurt many of times, and im scared of getting hurt again in the same way so I guess that is why its hard to forgive others why should I if I get hurt and disappointed again and again. Like that saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"

Week 33

My most prized item.

hmmmm.material wise, nothing. I have lost so much in my life and its just not worth worrying over if it can be replaced.

In reality, everything can be lost, stolen, forgotten, or broken. So I think I just learn to enjoy things while I can but not to get used to it. Im always expecting things to go wrong. Even relationships, if something goes good or is going good I just wait for it to end. Maybe that puts a wall up and to realize that something can last forever, but in my case nothing has ever lasted forever yet. So until then im afraid to say what my most treasured item is...

"Face"

ughh my face, I hate it. I think its too round, and I always tell my therapist that it doesnt look like I have an eating disorder because my face is still round and fat. I feel like I have a double chin and i look manly...sorry if its triggering...but its a body part and I have an ED so of course im going to bash my body parts haha.

The one thing I do like are my eyes. It's the one thing I always get a compliament on. My eye lashes are extremely long, but on the negative side I think my one eye is lower like it droops down more than the other....

"Soul"

When I saw this word I laughed and thought to myself, they want me to write about my soul? I feel like I dont have a soul. I have done some pretty mean/stupid things. If I had a soul I dont think I would have done them. For example, I had a huge problem with lying. Not even fibs, they were huge lies. (luckily I am out of that phrase) but the lies made other people feel humilated...

I started working on this with my therapist, and we came to conclude that the year my dad left us was the year that my ed started and the lying started. See my dad always hated liars. Its the number thing we got hit for, well when we did something wrong that is...but the lies started when he left was like a scream for him to find out and come and punish me...not that I want to get hit but at least I would know he knew I exisited...needless to say he never came back.

I think I got sidetracked. Ha. but the point was I would not have lied the way I did if I had a soul. right?

"Home"

Speaking of home...Im going! Im finalllllly going home on July 1st. I haven't been home for almost 4 years. Between being in treatment and my mom setting the boundry that I can't be home if im still in my eating disorder. My mom talked to my therapist and agreed it's what I need right now, doing tough love with an eating disordered person doesn't work, it makes it a lot worse...so learning that I was going home I jumped right into recovery. Well not completely. I am still restricting and exercising but im keeping it in for the most part. I have purge once in the last month and a half. My restricting isnt that bad, i mean its still a behavior but at least im eating everyday now.

Now being home is a good but scary thing. Good because I get to see my dog, Im around friends, I have my own place. Bad because I am not able to be alone...and my mom tends to take control which yall know that isnt a good thing. They also put a lot of expecations on me. Hopefully this time is okay though because my therapist has talked to my mom. So maybe she will back off a little.

For the past 4 years I have felt like I dont have a home. When I got out of treatment within a month I was kicked out. I moved in with a friend, which was great for ed...but horrible for me. She had anger issues and it was extreme. I was always scared of saying/doing something around her. She also took control. One time she told me "You will break up with Art, and you will eat deserts everynight" Hearing that I was out the door. Then back to treatment then out to my aunts 3 hours away from home. I have a room and everything but its not my room. Im scared of touching things because they arent mine to touch. Of course I have visited home but even there I dont feel like I belong anymore. My room has become a storage room and I just dont feel welcomed. Everytime I went to visit I refused to sleep in my room because it didnt feel like mine...

Home is a big value of mine. To feel welcomed. To feel like its where you belong. Hopefully this all works out...

"Fight"

I am tired of fighting. Seems like I have been fighting my whole life.

I have fought with my dad, ever since I was born. I was hit. I couldn't fight back. I tried to once. not physically. I ended up telling my school what was going on and they told me that I could be taken away from my parents...eventhough my parents were divorced and I lived with my mom. I got scared and told them that I lied about it...I was suppose to go to Germany that year and because of the "lie" it was taken away from me...

Then the fight with ALL, started when I was 8. Nothing has changed in a matter of 14 years now. So im done fighting against that now.

Now my ED. It's been 8 years now. I wouldnt say I actually tried fighting it. I mean sure I went to treatment. But it didn't do anything. I didn't want it too. My first stay I actually got kicked out for not cooperating. The others, seemed to hold me there longer the more I struggled. So I ran away, thinking surely this will get me kicked out...nope it didnt...so I started recovery, but the whole time thinking "just do it now so you can go home and  be left alone again" The day I was discharged was the day I relapsed. If you want to even call it a relapse since I knew what I was doing, I knew my plans...

I do have moments though.  I will do certain things so I dont use my ED. I call my sponsor, journal, go to meetings. Then other days I dont want to be bothered. Seems like I can manage getting to a month with no behaviors if I want to but as soon as I hit that 30 day period I freak out and run back to it. I tell my mom that I can't get better because i haven't hit my rock bottom yet. I need to for it to happen. Then I say I dont have motivation, everything has been taken away from me anyway and I dont see it coming back in my life. Then I get motivation and it always seems to fade away. The last motivation I had was my sister told me she is pregnant...she has a few weeks to go and its like ehh well who cares you will never see the baby anyway, if she moves 3 hours away. I learned that I will be going home in 10 days and I have been doing okayish since I found out, but I really feel like that might change once I actually get there...time will tell I suppose

"Compliment"

I can't take them. I say thank you, but in the back of my mind, im think yea whatever...I am always complimented on my eyes. I have very long eye lashes. I say thank you, then I tell myself my eyes are ugly because one eye is lower than the other. Yet at the same time, I crave compliments. I want to be told im skinny, and sometimes I do get them but its still like-nope not skinny enough. Compliments are never good enough to me because I see so many flaws in myself. My family nitpicks at my flaws so im sure this doesn't help me any at all. No matter what the compliment is I always tend to twist and turn it to make it a negative thing. I'm not sure why.

When it comes to my recovery, if someone makes a compliment, I think but I could do better, do it faster, or it can also be turned into see they noticed now your fat. youre disgusting.

So for me....the best thing is dont give me any compliments. not on my recovery. not on my appearance. just dont do it. It would be better for both of us...

"Tears"

I hold back my tears. I try to. I feel so weak and vulerable when I cry. I refuse to cry in front of others (exception on Mothers day when I couldn't control it and when my mom left when I was admitted in treatment). My therapist has been trying to get me to cry, but everytime I am close it to I change the subject or ask her too. Most of the time, I act like I get distracted like "Denise you know you look like Mary from so you think you can dance?" She knows exactly what I am doing. Luckily she doesn't push it, she knows my limits and she wont even bring stuff up if im already in a bad place. 

When I was younger I cried at everything. My family (mainly my sister) would refer me as the cry baby. My dad always yelled when I cried said it was for babies and to suck it up and deal with it. So because of that, I have been trying to get rid of that label lingering on me. By getting rid of it means not to cry...which obviously is not the healthiest thing to do. 

Other than entering treatment, I can't even remember the last time I cried in front of my mom. 

When  I do need to cry, I completely isolate, I won't let anyone see and if I am interrupted  I immediately put on my fake smile, wipe my eyes and act like everything is okay. 

When I am crying because of something (mainly my dad) I wont let them know that they have that power over me. When I exploded on mothers day ( he came on a surprise visit and completely ignored me. Like I didn't exist) I felt so out of control and I like an idiot for not being able to hide my pain until everyone left. The second he left I broke down. It took over me. I hated it and I kept apologizing like I did something wrong. Anyway, when I found out my sister told my dad that I was upset, I was floored. I didn't tell her why I was upset because I didnt want her to run to dad and tell him and without knowing why I was upset she ran to him and told him anyway. I was so mad because know he knows he has this power over me still. I have tried so hard to act like what he does, says, doesn't bother me. Now he knows. 

"Laughter"

Laughter is the best medicine. When I was down, I would always sit and watch Ellen, even if I saw it a million times and I could quote it. Then I started calling a friend who made me laugh. It is a good distractor for me. Its tells me that even when things are bad or wrong or not what you expected there is always a reason to smile and to laugh. Always. No matter where you are. When I am in a bad place I often focus on just that, that I forget all the good things. Earth is pretty balanced with good and bad but we tend to notice and stay stuck on the bad, that we dont see or we forget about the good. I would much rather laugh at something than sit there and cry, that is for sure!

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.  ~Yiddish Proverb




This makes me laugh eveytime =)

"Beginning"

Beginning something is scary as hell. There are so many what if's. It's the 1st step but its the hardest step. To let go of what you know, to throw yourself in an unknown place. It's scary.

When I started dance, I wanted someone with me. So I knew someone. I was afraid of nobody liking me, of not being good at it. It's dance, its suppose to be fun and stress free but for me it wasn't...

Beginning recovery is the scariest thing. And I have been through a lot of scary things. What if I switch to binge eating, what if I never stop gaining weight, what if I dont like who I am, what if others dont like who I am, what if, what if, what if....WHO KNOWS but I do know whatever it is, it has to be a hell of a lot better than a life with my eating disorder. Might be scary and hard but it just has to be better.

When I was in treatment, my therapist was a big fan of this quote; "Take the first step, even when you dont see the whole staircase"

HAHA i get what the quote is saying but I think...who the hell would take a step not seeing if there were steps following???

"End"

When things come to an end, it can be a grieving process. Even if its a bad thing ending. At least it is for me.

I want to say my eating disorder ended but I know that I have a long way to go before I can say that.

My example is, when I stopped talking to my dad. When I stopped reaching out to him and flat out telling him if things dont change that I cant have him in my life. It was a grieving process...that was a few months ago and I can still sit here and cry about it. Who would think that a man that beats you you would cry over? I do. He is my father, and deep down I know this isnt who he is. I dont have evidence of that but I know he isn't.

Anyway, "All good things come to an ending and all bad things come to an ending, you just have to enjoy the ride and hang on it"

"Now"

Well I stopped doing this challenge because this one scares me. I dont know what to say about it. So I just avoided it. I know my sponsor always tells me to focus on the moment. To not look forward and not look back. Looking forward overwhelms me and looking in the past makes me depressed. And when I do focus on the moment it does help but its very hard for me to do it.

Anyway. right now. I am doing pretty good. Which is surprising because I have my grandmom very ill and drama with my dad and with my sister. For some reason im not running to ed. And if I do its not like it was. It's different. I found out that I am moving  (july 1st) and I think that gave me the push. Because Annie is not welcomed there and I dont want to be kicked out again, as I miss being home. Im tired of treatment and being depressed and lonely. Im sick and tired of being sick and tired haha.

Anyway since I didn't know what to write I figured I would put some quotes up instead...

One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us.  ~Michael Cibenko


You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.  ~Jan Glidewell


I have memories - but only a fool stores his past in the future.  ~David Gerrold


We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today.  I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great.  If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.  ~Art Buchwald


If you are still talking about what you did yesterday, you haven't done much today.  ~Author Unknown


The past is a good place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.  ~Author Unknown


When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.  ~Alexander Graham Bell

"Love"

Ughh. When I see it, hear it., say it I cringe. Love is hard for me. It's hard to open myself up to it. It's even harder to feel others love me. I have a dad who doesnt love me at all, so because of that, I dont think anyone can. I mean who doesn't love their child? Something is wrong me, Im lacking in that area, and I dont know why or how to fix it. Even today, we went to see my grandmom in the hospital and my dad was there. I saw he was there before we got to the room (have to sign in) and my heart started racing and I had a panic attack. My aunt calmed me down. I shouldnt have that reaction when I know i will bump into my dad. But we walked in the room and all he said, "Oh we were just leaving" and left. No hi or bye. Just left. (he was only there for 10 mins visiting her). Anyway...

When I was at Laureate they tried to help me with this problem. Not so much by saying it is me, but for showing me. Its just very hard to accept that anyone would love or care about me. The one night tech brought me a blanket. She said, "I know you are always cold, and I thought you would like it. you are the only one without a blanket from home. So here is one from my home" It was nice of her, and I really liked her and I know she was trying to show me she cared but when I was there nobody could love me. I was insane. I was having flashbacks and I was delusional. I make it hard for anyone to love me.

Sad thing is, it's the one thing I desperately want, need, crave for. But one thing I will never have or be able to feel. Hell I don't even love myself.

"Perfect"

Perfection. I try to get perfection with everything I do. However, no matter how hard I work at it, how much time I put into it, I can always see flaws. Doesnt matter what it is, or what other people say. It can ALWAYS be better....

While fighting with and against my eating disorder, I discovered a group called ABA (anorexics and bulimics anonymous) they have this theory named the "Ice berg theory". It explains how much perfectionism is a part of ED's. Here I thought I was different. From as long as I remember I was perfectionist. With school, dance, work, etc and after reading this, it was like everything clicked. It made sense on why I was sick...not saying if you are perfectionist you are doomed to get sick. Its a good goal to have but its unrealistic. So keep that in mind. Perfectionism is an underlying issue. its hiding something. Its the "tip of the iceberg" its what you can see but there is so much stuff under neath it. Self hate, feeling of worthlessness, its all the yucky feelings. So we try to fool ourselves and others, in a way.

Anyway, I probably am not explaining it well like the book, so if you can get a copy and read that chapter, I highly recommend you do.

"Crowd"

I don't like crowds. Everyone here knows about my eating disorder, they all saw it in action. So when I am in a group I am very anxious about comments that can be made, how I will be judged. Most of my family don't even know what to say which I suppose is a good thing but bad when instead of saying something, they just stare, they look at me like I am so fragile, I suppose in a way I am but I dont think to the extent they believe. Yes I am sick, but I am strong and I am not going to break in half. The thing I hate most is the food, how everyone watches what I eat. how I eat and expect me to eat more even if I follow my meal plan. It is extremely uncomfortable and anxiety provoking for me. I usually am in panic mode for days before hand if I know something is planned. Then the day of I have to be on the phone all day to calm myself down, to get support. I dont know what it is. I think its more than just my eating disorder...

Week 32

The inspirational person in my life is my sponsor. She has 16 years of recovery now and we have very similar stories so  I honestly don't know how she does it. She goes to groups 2 times a week. She teaches, shes a doctor, she has two kids, she is there for me (probably more than she should be). She is a recovering anorexic a recovering exercise addict, and a recovery alcoholic. Yet with her past, all the hardships, it doesnt phrase her. It's in the past and today all she has to do is take the next step. She very calm about everything (dont get me wrong she has yelled at me quite a bit) what I mean is something that would bother and haunt me for days, she is just like "Breath, I am powerless over it. Today this is my reality but tomorrow it could be different" I want to be able to live that like. To have problems and just know that everything will be okay, that everything will work out for the better, that I will survive it no mater how hard it may seem. It sounds so freeing, compared to these chains and prison walls I currently have.

"Force"

I hate the word force. I automatically think of my dad. The force he used against me. The force that hurt me and put me in the hospital several times. Then  I think of Cole...they man who molestated me.I think of treatment, not once did I volunteer to go IP it was always being forced by my team or my mom...My mom actually had to get power of attorney over me to make me go. Te judge gave it to her because of the state I was in, so I went, more than once and every single time I refused to cooperate. I rebelled. It would have been different if I CHOSE to go there, wanting it but I just wasn't ready yet and forcing it on me made me feel like I lost even more control. That is why I have my eating disorder, to feel in control of something.. When I was at laureate they made me eat meat...I haven't touched for meat for 3 years, I cried everytime they places meat in front of me. Then the tech saw me and took me outside so I didn't upset the other girls and I told her what was wrong. Eating meat is not an eating disorder behavior, at least for me. I dont eat it because I see the little animals I had to dissect in 9th grade. Dara (the tech) told me to talk to Mollie (my dietician) and to fight for my morals...I said I tried they flat out told me that I had to do it...im sorry you dont think I will stop eating meat when I get back home, setting me up for a restricting diet again and that lead into more? Needless to say, the day I was discharged is the day I relapsed. I also think of force feeding. I had a tube in more than I can count on my hands. It was dreadful. It was pure torture. I know I know I needed it blah blah blah but being forced into anything, isn't exactly a joy ride. I feel weak. That I can't stand up for myself, my morals. I feel like I allow it to happen.

"Emotional"

Emotional- Definition: Stefanie Felix

Seriously I can cry watching a movie, I could cry literally on a drop of a hat. Sometimes  I do when I am alone sometimes I cant control it and its front of people but most of the time I can control it. If I begin to feel like I can't ill change the subject. I refuse to cry in front of my therapist. Last week I flat out asked about not talking about it anymore the week before I changed the subject on my own by saying "You know you look like Mary the judge from so you think you can dance" haha Luckily she knew what I was doing and didn't go back to it.

I was always referred to the crybaby in the house. So that put a barrier up, making me feel weak when I do. But I do know when I allow it, afterwards I feel relief, like I can breath again. But the sucky thing is that I build it up and bury it down before I cry that when I do I have panic attacks and I cant stop. I could be crying for one thing and by the time im done I cried about 20 things...

Now I know all I talked about is crying to me that is what emotional means. But logically I know emotional can be anything. Scared. Happy. Sad. Angry, etc.

"Logic"

I have problems with logic. Some things make sense to me but not to others, some things makes sense to me but then it doesnt a second later. I know when I am in my eating disorder I don't think clearly. I know because someone can say the same thing and it makes no sense at all but then I think the same thing at the same time. Then I have my team who constantly tell me the things I think, feel, say and do are "illogical"  It's all very confusing to me.But that's my brain for you.

Anyway, I ran into this poem that I like....called Fairy Tale Logic


Fairy tales are full of impossible tasks:

Gather the chin hairs of a man-eating goat,

Or cross a sulphuric lake in a leaky boat,

Select the prince from a row of identical masks,

Tiptoe up to a dragon where it basks

And snatch its bone; count dust specks, mote by mote,

Or learn the phone directory by rote.

Always it’s impossible what someone asks—

You have to fight magic with magic. You have to believe

That you have something impossible up your sleeve,

The language of snakes, perhaps, an invisible cloak,

An army of ants at your beck, or a lethal joke,

The will to do whatever must be done:

Marry a monster. Hand over your firstborn son.

"Trouble"

When I think of trouble. I think of how I was in treatment. I went to several different centers and each time I rebelled, I lied, I was sneaky. One of the music groups at Laureate, a friend of mine shared this song. It it's about how trouble (for me ed) is a friend, always there for me, but also a foe at the same time because of what it does to my life...

"Honesty"

HA I love that this is one of the words!

My sister has been lying non stop lately. About big things, small things, stupid things. It is driving me crazy! I thought we had enough going on to worry about with my grandmom being sick...but nope. Lets worry about things she says, whether its true or not. Even if we think its a lie you still think about it because what if it isn't?

Now I have to be honest (ha) I have had my fair share of lying. Even without my ed's lies (the ones I did to cover up and the ones I tell myself) I have told huge lies. Still something I regret and im ashamed of. But I have worked on it on therapy and we made the connection that I started lying when my dad left. My dad always cared about us lying. We always got hit for it. Though when he left I didnt want to get hit but I was hoping that he would come back to punish me from the lying...but he never did. Thankfully I have overcame that stage in my life. Still have to work on being honest with myself and with others in regards of my eating disorder though.

"Warrior"

When I think of this word. I think of people who have fought, who have battled, who lost and who won.



All the people who fight for our freedom, who protect us. Thank you!


Kelly Becker (miss you girl)


Jenni Schaefer


Shannon Cutts


My sponsor Jen (congrats on 16 years of recovery!!!!)


Everyone I have met in treatment, and in support groups


Anyone who has struggled, overcame and lost to any illnesses

"Sincere"

The complete opposite of me. I am nothing but a fake. Always smiling, saying everything is great and everything will be okay, when it won't be. I am a fraud. I really feel like people are misguided.

Denise told me what she thinks of me and here is what I think. 1. You are smart...I study my ass off 2. You are determined...then why arent I better? 3. You are talented...I could always be better. You care about others...too much that I am overbearing.

Anyway, I am nothing great. I am merely existing, which even that I am not succeeding at right now. I wish I was more, I wish I was the things people say or feel about me, well used to say about me. I dont talk to anyone  anymore for them to say stuff right now.

But I do like others who are sincere. I don't see much of them anymore. Everyone lies for what is better viewed in society. Everyone leaves. Everyone wears a mask at some time-which most people (including me) forget to take it off. I feel horrible saying nobody is sincere anymore but for me, my experience its the truth....

Week 31

Something that makes me smile...

Right now not much. I am always smiling, I feel like I have to, but a real smile...where I dont even think about it, hasnt been there in a long time.

My grandmom made me smile today though. I asked her if  she was in pain and she said, "Do I have something to say?" I said no I mean are you hurting? She then replied, "I love you" I just smiled and laughed for her not understanding or just really wanted me to let me know. I know she does, but at the same time most days anymore she doesnt even know who I am.

 I have been pretty depressed lately. Okay, extremely depressed. I am trying to keep something I am looking forward to in  the front of my mind. 1. Being home, and seeing my dog, seeing my friends, becoming independent. going back to school/work. But even all that is overwhelming for me.

I know this topic was suppose to be in a different direction but like I said I have been depressed so maybe ill rewrite it when im in a better place...

"Crazy"

I hate this word, yet I use it to describe myself, and the things I do. The thing I think, the things  I do, The lies I tell myself, the things that click...I often feel like "a crazy person" I have gone to treatment in a pysch ward and fit right in...which proves I am crazy...But one thing, the other girls I was with in the center, who I fitted in with, I wouldn't say they were crazy, They were simply girls who struggled with self destructive behaviors. They were sick with mental illnesses. They were no crazy. Everyone has something they have to deal with, what makes one problem a crazy person and not the next person?

I am pretty sure my entire family considers me crazy. The things I have done with food, surely that would be proof that  I am. I have done some pretty crazy things...But doing something doesnt make you. it doesnt define you. I am not crazy. I have a disease. It makes me do crazy things but I am not crazy. I am sick. There is a difference!!!

"Power"

Power is another thing that can be good and bad. If used in the right way it can be great; however, I only have the bad experiences...

The two things I think of is my dad, and my eating disorder.

My dad...he has complete power over me. He could say something and I would be lost for days. Lost in my misery, my own miserable little world trying to find a way out, trying to find a way to handle it, and the only thing is my eating disorder. He has more power over me than one.  I have seen him standing over me, beaten on the ground, unable to move, to breath because of the never ending pain. How defeated he makes me feel. What I say or don't say in fear of upsetting him, causing his volcano to erupt. Scared all the time, even when he isn't around. Scared to do anything about it because it is your father and you love him, and despite his actions you know he is a kind person deep down and you would be able to see it if you were just good enough. The control he has for me to lie and hide from him/for him. The control he has to mold me into this completely other person who I should be.

My eating disorder...I would like to think I have power of it, but locially I know I don't. I know that if I act out then theres not point in stopping me, rather trying to stop me. But in the same sense if I dont act out that one time I feel like I am in control. Its that one time that send me spiraling back down. Not being able to get back up until I hit a new bottom.

"Invisible"

This word hits home with me lately. I feel invisible. Nobody sees or hears me because im just a nobody. I am just taking up space that no one else cares to recognize. I realize that I have these feelings because of the drama going on lately. The fact that my dad doesnt seem to know that I exist, but it's spreading. It's like a virus because my sister was up for a week and completely ignored me, when before she talked to my dad, we talked everyday. Then trying to find my voice and not one person seems to hear me. I could be in the center of the room screaming and everyone will still talk over me. Or flat out not care what I think, feel, do, say.

I know im not important. I am a nobody. I have not done anything with my life. I have accepted it, it would just be nice to not feel so transparent.

I am not depressed at the moment, but  I can honestly say  if  I were to die tonight that not one person would notice. I have shut myself out of the world, in fear of more rejection. I have backed away from people I once talked to everyday. I don't hear from anyone anymore, unless I contact them. It's not a great feeling...to feel like nobody wants to bother with you to check in once in a while. To always take the responsibility and do it yourself so you aren't completely forgotten.

The sad thing (I have been working on this in therapy not quite there yet so bare with me), I feel like the only time people notice me is when  I have done something wrong or when  I am sick. Like I knew my dad knew I was around when he would throw a punch, give a kick, etc. Also being sick...everyone is so concerned when I am sick and when I am doing okay I don't hear from them. Period, not even asked how my day was. Which is why it is soooo hard to let go of my eating disorder. I am already faded without ed, I will be completely disappeared.

"Change"

Change can be a good thing, and a bad thing. I know for me I hate change. I like routine, if something is out of order,  I just about get lost, not  knowing what to do.  However, sometimes, change can be a beautilful thing; when the whether changes from cold to hot, when the leaves change into vibrant colors, when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly.

Personal change though is overwhelmingly scary. Sometimes it feels impossible. For example, overcoming my eating disorder. Scary as hell and def seems impossible, but from what im told, its all worth it, because in the end life is beautiful. Living free from the monster within you. The constant lies fade and eventually silenced. Being able to be yourself because you aren't afraid of someone finding out your secret. But this kind of  change- for a personal reason makes you a stronger person, it makes you grow to who you are meant to be, or to learn who you aren't suppose to be.

But sometimes things are beautiful as they are are should be left alone, unaltered. Why fix something when its not broken? For instance, the way we used to live. How our main focus was on the ones we loved. How we spend time with our family because we wanted to, not because we had to. How grateful we were. How polite everyone seemed. Now people are getting involved in the new technology-which as soon as you get it you have  to return and update it a week later. So brainwashed by television that we feel the need to constantly be better,  be thinner, be more fit, try to get that "perfection" down. Only to fail once again, because once you get there, something else changes, something else "is better for you".  Saying thank you when someone holds open the door and not assume and generally be lazy to do it ourselves because "Someone else is capable of it"...when you are perfectly capable yourself.

Good or Bad, change takes time to get adjusted to. To relearn how to adapt to survive.