"Community"

I know "We can't do this alone", "we are all in this together" etc but sometimes, well most of the time, it feels like im alone in it. I know some people are there for me, but in the end its me who has to fight, me who has to make the next best move. Me who has to do everything. I know I could call people but I feel like such a burden all the time. Others have stuff going on too. sometimes more than I do and the last thing they need is to hear my problems. They need someone to look up to, well not to look up to but see that everything will be okay in the end. I can't be that person if im struggling myself. I want to reach out more, im involved in 2 support groups and i know its expected to struggle but I dont want to be the only person reaching out. I feel like a goof like why am I going to them about this or that. I especially feel like a goof when im the only one who keeps contact with someone then i feel like see youre annoying if you werent so annoying  then maybe someone would call you...i know thats probably my depression talking mixed in with ed...

I am in two support groups and the community in both are great. I dont feel so alone. Especially when im in a face to face meeting and someone says what im thinking but i never talk in them. Im scared that im the only one, that i wont make sense and that others have more important things to talk about. They need to share/talk/get support more than I do.

But I guess its one of those things where I need to feel awkward and do it anyway. Clearly not doing it isnt helping me...

"Mystery"

I am not a fan. I dont like not knowing, I hate surprises. I like facts, I like knowing what to expect. I know this is why its so hard for me to recover, because its so unknown to me and it scares me. Being sick is normal for me. I know what will happen, how I will feel, what others say, what I do, etc. Going into recovery, I dont know any of it. Its like going to China without knowing chinese. I dont know who I am without it. I dont know if I will like myself or if others will like who I am if im not sick. I dont know if people would care. I dont know if I'll make it. I dont know if Ill switch eds and i dont know if Ill be able to stop gaining weight. I dont know if Ill ever truely be recovered or if it will be there everyday maybe not as hard but still lingering in the background. My one therapist from Laureate was obsessed with this quote, "Take the first step, even if you dont see the rest of the staircase"....WTH? who in their right mind would take the first step without being able to see something below to continue to catch you???

"Travel"

I think I would like to travel, but I cant say if I do or not. The only times I traveled were when I was going to or from treatment. Solely based on the reasons why I traveled, im not a fan. I think traveling for fun would be a lot different though.

I think I would like to travel but I like having a place to come back home to. A place where I belong, that is is known for me. I cant seem to stay in one place for too long because I get scared of what could happen. Going somewhere where nobody knows my story might be nice, but I wouldnt stay too long because not feeling welcomed kicks in. Which is a common feeling for me =/

Anyway. I got off subject and drifted somewhere...I want to travel to California, I always have. Im not really sure why...but last year I told my sister im saving up and going to go and while there go to Ellen's Tv Set =) If you dont know me 2 things you should know. 1. I am obsessed with peace signs, and Ellen Degeneres and 2. It makes me sick to see pickles in a sandwich haha. (sorry back off topic)

My sister and I have been planning to go to China for years. Just because it would be a cool thing to say...we havent gone yet because i ended up getting sick and while I was doing so my sister got a life-got married and now expecting her first child.

I was suppose to travel to Germany my senior year in high school, for the exchange program but my eating disorder got worse and I was being stupid, long story short I didn't go

Anyway seems like I cant really stay on topic today so ill stop going on and on =)

"Bliss"

Not sure what to write, so here's a video that I found =)

"Purpose"

My purpose...i have no idea. Most days im day dreaming on why im even here, what I am suppose to give to this world, what I was created to do with this life. So far I have done nothing.I am 22 and should be finishing school and figuring out what I want to do with my life. But my eating disorder got in the way my first year of college and kept me sick enough to not return back. Even if I was in school, I dont know what I want to do and what I am suppose to do. Ive always wanted to be a therapist, so I can help others with the same issues as me and really understand them, but a lot of people think that might be too triggering for me, and now with my grandmom being sick, I have been considering a nurses aide, I like helping my grandmom out. I feel important, like I have some worth and its still helping others, but let me tell you the past few weeks I have been helping out with her has been rough. I love her so sometimes I want to shake her...I was always into my education always my number one thing on my list, I do plan on going back but its a matter of when ill get approved from my doctor. So the good thing with being a CNA is no degree is needed its only a 6 week training course then youre set...but I want a degree behind my name, I have worked so hard in school I deserve it. I didnt do all that hard work for nothing. So purpose...i know i have one even when im questioning it, i guess im still trying to figure it out.

"Forgiveness"

Something I try to do but i am not very successful at. A lot of people tell me I hold grudges and I am a bitch about it. I dont mean to hold onto things in the past, its just how I work. You hurt me, I put a wall up so I dont get hurt again, so I dont look like an idiot again. I try to forgive and forget I guess the forgetting part is hard for me, which makes the whole forgiving part hard too.

My team at treatment (each center I went to) have all told me that I am pissed at my mom. Now this, is one that I dont understand. I dont feel mad at her. I feel close with her, I dont know why I give that vibe that, but my current therapist says its because 1. She didn't protect me the way I felt she needed to from my dad and 2. If she didnt have an affair that maybe I would have experienced what it feels like to have my parents together.

Now my dad, I dont think I could ever forgive him. Yet I want to so desperately that it almost killed me. He abused me and he left me. Now he ignores me, like I am not his child, its either that or another beating. I want to forgive him but how can you if they keep doing the same things to hurt you over and over again?


Things that happened with my sister and my friends, I try harder to forgive because they are little things. They still hurt me but its not like my life was in danger with them. I still have a wall up with them though.

Now my molestor and my ex. I dont think I will forgive or forget. It still wracks my brain how I didnt know about my ex having a family, how I was so stupid, how he made me feel and how he was my eating disorder in person. Which is why I stayed with him because he was the only one agreeing on the things I tell myself in my head. He has hurt me, he has taken something from me that I will never get back. And he doesnt even care. He lied to me, to my face and he lied about me.

So ive been hurt many of times, and im scared of getting hurt again in the same way so I guess that is why its hard to forgive others why should I if I get hurt and disappointed again and again. Like that saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"

Week 33

My most prized item.

hmmmm.material wise, nothing. I have lost so much in my life and its just not worth worrying over if it can be replaced.

In reality, everything can be lost, stolen, forgotten, or broken. So I think I just learn to enjoy things while I can but not to get used to it. Im always expecting things to go wrong. Even relationships, if something goes good or is going good I just wait for it to end. Maybe that puts a wall up and to realize that something can last forever, but in my case nothing has ever lasted forever yet. So until then im afraid to say what my most treasured item is...